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My schedule's flipped but I can't seem to sleep, I'm just not tired. I guess too much on my mind. :/

My best friend's brother got married on the 20th this month, I got to be there. I was so glad to be able to go and see all of them but my heart was crying. I know my best friend and her mom is gone but they were always at big events. A part of me expected to see them there. ...What I wasn't prepared for was, they had pics of them by the cake in remembrance and a moment of silence for them. I almost lost it both times. I didn't know they were going to do that. Idk what I was expecting, but not that. Then, my best friend, the one that died's sister cried about it with my mom and I almost broke down again, but I just can't let myself. It's too hard to, it hurts too much.

This keeps happening. I keep thinking I'll get to see Ash or my grandparents. My mom's wanting to go to a conference close to where we used to live. I'm not going but she wants me to drive. Idk what I'm supposed to do over there for hours. Ugh! But I had a moment where I was like, "Oh yeah, I can FINALLY see gram and papa again! biggrin " And then I realized I can't... T-T

I'm miss them all so freakin much. My heart feels so empty. And it hurts so much to see Britt struggling but we're too far away from each other. Her family is pulling away from everyone, so she feels like they'll never be the same, like Ash was the glue. I want so much to help her, to help them all but I can't... There's literally nothing I can do to really help. xC

We got the car now, which is great but I'm still so scared to drive, even though I drove almost 4 hour round trip to the wedding. I've done okay so far but I'm so afraid I'm going to feel too exhausted to drive while I'm out or feeling like I'm going to faint from my heart.

Even though we just got the car, my brother's also getting very antsy wanting us to go out to get a job so he can quit helping us. Which I get but dear Lord... We JUST got it I'm casually looking for a job but I can't work full time, right now at least. I'm so afraid I'm going pass out on the job, even with a part time. I have a hard time getting groceries sometimes. Plus, from the looks of it not many places are hiring close to me. There's more of a city area about 30 minutes or more out but I really don't feel comfortable doing that much driving right now and plus the gas... Idk. I'll get a job, if I can find one but Idk how I'm going to do it. I feel so sick, I hurt so bad. My back has been pinching like crazy and my neck is getting worse. It starts feeling like my head is being ripped from my neck. Idk what's going on. It's stressful just to think about. I thought about trying the local library, that can't be too hard, I don't think, and it seems more peaceful. Idk if they're hiring though. Plus, I've never worked for pay besides like babysitting. I've done volunteer work back in the day. I don't think that's going to look very good. But maybe once they find out I've been caretaking for 7 1/2 years they'll see I'm caring and dedicated.

I feel bad too because mom keeps telling me she keeps having dreams of gram and papa and she almost breaks down or does break down but I don't even know what to do. I feel like I'm about to break down but I don't want to, so I try to ward of those feelings but, when I do, I just feel insensitive. I try to comfort her the best I can but I'm just not good with all that. I try to just spend a lot of time with her. She can be so stressful though. She was so excited about the car and my brother's all like, "Let me know when you get it, I have money set aside for the title and tag and all." I'm sitting here knowing that he's not good with money and that he might not have it and if he did, we still might not have money for gas or he may not pay our insurance. Mom's like, "Have a little faith." All I could tell her, for real, was "I had faith for a lot of things but they didn't happen..." And what ended up happening? My brother tells my mom he has $10 in the bank, my aunts had to pay for insurance, title and tag, Idk if he's going to start actually paying it on time and he's telling us we need to hurry and figure something out because he has another get rich quick scheme(not his words) with his friend that he needs money for. ...Like the same person that had him invest $150 into shirt designing shirts and not one sold... Except this time he needs a couple thousand.

Idk though, I'm a mess. If I'm asked, I normally say I'm alright or good. Sometimes, I can get myself to say, "hanging in there" but I'm not okay. I'm struggling, a lot. I'm not suicidal but I'm so tired of life. I'm so broken, it hurts, and I have no idea how to pick up the pieces. I'm physically sick and in a lot of pain 24/7(along with my long list of allergies). Emotionally, I'm shattered. Mentally, I'm bitter and angry. And spiritually... I got little, if not, nothing left of me. I'm an empty cup pouring out the nothing I have everyday. I can barely function physically, the emotional and mental part makes it so much harder. That's what no one understands except mom and Britt.

That's the crazy part, the fact that I just don't really care anymore because I have no energy to spare, no energy to waste on giving a crap. I used to be so fired up about my dreams, so excited to have my businesses(cosmetology and making products) and non-profits. Now, with all my allergies and possibly Lyme as a contributor, I don't even know if I can get through college for cosmetology. I have a hard time dying mom's hair every now and then, with the fumes. That's how I came up with the products idea and I was so passionate about it! I used to be so excited to one day make real, all natural, affordable, products that are good for you, so excited to "change the world". Now, I almost don't even care if I die tomorrow. I mean, I don't want mom or Britt or her family to have to go through that and I don't want to leave my dog or my mom's animals but if it weren't for them, I couldn't care less. Stay here for what? My whole life has been like walking through hell, almost 28 years of hell. Trust me, I've had more than enough of my share of s**t, and it doesn't feel like it's getting any better. Stay here for the guy that may never come? For one, I have so many allergies, it's hard for ME. If I weren't allergic to all this, I wouldn't be with someone who was. I know it may be shallow but it sucks!! I couldn't possibly ask someone to cut out all of that too. For two, I have so much emotional baggage and so many undealt with problems, it doesn't seem fair to put someone through all that. For having a family one day? If I can't get my health back, my child could end up in worse health than me. What kind of life would that be? For my dreams that may only be good in my head? For all I know, it's just a pipedream. It could be total crash and burn ideas. For changing the world and helping people? I mean, I'm ONE person, how much can I really do? I like to think I could change the world but how far can my hands really reach? I'm sure they'll manage with or without me. If I didn't do it, I'm sure God would send someone else to. And, honestly, I'm so tired of losing people. Idk how much more I can take. So, again, I ask... For what?... Repetition? Redundancy? Or maybe for feeling like a pathetic nobody, the scum of the earth, who's an annoying burden because I need help or because no one who could help understands? Yeah, trust me, I'm over it.