Been a while since I wrote, been busy trying to start up the SeneGence business my step mom got me into.
How am I? Overall, I'm okay, I think. I've been trying to mildly act like I'm naturally treating Lyme and my heart symptoms went away. I thought that was pretty coincidental. I recently got over a cold though and I'm still feeling sick. I'm wondering if the cold could have made the Lyme worse, if I'm right about that, because I started recently getting heart symptoms again.
But on to the tough part of the question... As for the losses, I haven't really had time to think. I went from omg my grandma has cancer and sent home on hospice to my best friend dying to having to take care of gram to gram's dead to learning SeneGence and the products. I didn't want to say anything to anyone because I didn't want to upset anyone on Thanksgiving but, inside, I wanted to cry. This was the first year ever without both grandparents and the first year we've ever not stayed home and made a thanksgiving feast. I know it's not because gram died but I just feel like we're all falling apart. The traditions, the normal stuff... I feel like it's gone. I know it's not but I'm used to the routine. We went to Cracker Barrel and afterwards we got ornaments, it's was buy 3 get 1 free. I got wings to put gram and papa's name on, then I got an angel ball to put Ash and her mom's name on. Then, I got 2 dog ornaments to put my mom's 2 dogs on. I guess it started really hitting me how much we've lost. I keep thinking about Ash like she's still here and then I'm heartbroken all over again. We always send out Christmas cards and we were making a list of people and I was like, "Britt and..." ...Oh. Just Britt(her sister). My mind and heart are falling to pieces and grieving but I can't get myself to physically grieve. I think I feel like I'll fall into a deep depression like after I did when Ash's mom and papa died. I found the sock monkey I was going to give her though. I put it on top of my Dr. Seuss display with some of the things she gave me. I've been finding so much she gave me and mom, and I cherish it, but it just doesn't compare to talking to her or seeing her. :/ I just still don't believe it. There are things I say that remind me of her or our inside jokes. My mom used to call me Ashley a lot because that's my middle name. She hasn't called me that in years and she's recently called me that again a few times. I almost break down in tears because it hurts to hear her name.
I keep fearing that I'm going to lose someone else. Like one of our dogs or my mom. I get so scared sometimes but I just start praying and I start getting more of a peace. Which is another thing, I think I've kinda distanced myself from God again. I try so hard but I still just feel so heartbroken and betrayed. I heard stories of Lauren Daigle talking about losing her grandpa and her grandpa started seeing family members before he died. I know it's not about me but it's like, I've invested over 7 years of my life to taking care of my grandparents and both of the ends were passing out and then me having to do chest compressions and all? No peacefully going on, no seeing family members, nothing but traumatic resuscitation failures.
And food stamps considered me ineligible because I don't have a way to go to the job training for 80 hours a month. I find it so funny that if I were out screwing around and had a kid or developed an addiction and went for recovery, I could be eligible but because I've been good, I get punished. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they shouldn't get help because I think it's good but it's not fair that I don't qualify, when it's out of my control.
I've also been trying to make Christmas things to cheer mom up though. It's been kinda fun. Very tiring but fun.
How am I? Overall, I'm okay, I think. I've been trying to mildly act like I'm naturally treating Lyme and my heart symptoms went away. I thought that was pretty coincidental. I recently got over a cold though and I'm still feeling sick. I'm wondering if the cold could have made the Lyme worse, if I'm right about that, because I started recently getting heart symptoms again.
But on to the tough part of the question... As for the losses, I haven't really had time to think. I went from omg my grandma has cancer and sent home on hospice to my best friend dying to having to take care of gram to gram's dead to learning SeneGence and the products. I didn't want to say anything to anyone because I didn't want to upset anyone on Thanksgiving but, inside, I wanted to cry. This was the first year ever without both grandparents and the first year we've ever not stayed home and made a thanksgiving feast. I know it's not because gram died but I just feel like we're all falling apart. The traditions, the normal stuff... I feel like it's gone. I know it's not but I'm used to the routine. We went to Cracker Barrel and afterwards we got ornaments, it's was buy 3 get 1 free. I got wings to put gram and papa's name on, then I got an angel ball to put Ash and her mom's name on. Then, I got 2 dog ornaments to put my mom's 2 dogs on. I guess it started really hitting me how much we've lost. I keep thinking about Ash like she's still here and then I'm heartbroken all over again. We always send out Christmas cards and we were making a list of people and I was like, "Britt and..." ...Oh. Just Britt(her sister). My mind and heart are falling to pieces and grieving but I can't get myself to physically grieve. I think I feel like I'll fall into a deep depression like after I did when Ash's mom and papa died. I found the sock monkey I was going to give her though. I put it on top of my Dr. Seuss display with some of the things she gave me. I've been finding so much she gave me and mom, and I cherish it, but it just doesn't compare to talking to her or seeing her. :/ I just still don't believe it. There are things I say that remind me of her or our inside jokes. My mom used to call me Ashley a lot because that's my middle name. She hasn't called me that in years and she's recently called me that again a few times. I almost break down in tears because it hurts to hear her name.
I keep fearing that I'm going to lose someone else. Like one of our dogs or my mom. I get so scared sometimes but I just start praying and I start getting more of a peace. Which is another thing, I think I've kinda distanced myself from God again. I try so hard but I still just feel so heartbroken and betrayed. I heard stories of Lauren Daigle talking about losing her grandpa and her grandpa started seeing family members before he died. I know it's not about me but it's like, I've invested over 7 years of my life to taking care of my grandparents and both of the ends were passing out and then me having to do chest compressions and all? No peacefully going on, no seeing family members, nothing but traumatic resuscitation failures.
And food stamps considered me ineligible because I don't have a way to go to the job training for 80 hours a month. I find it so funny that if I were out screwing around and had a kid or developed an addiction and went for recovery, I could be eligible but because I've been good, I get punished. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they shouldn't get help because I think it's good but it's not fair that I don't qualify, when it's out of my control.
I've also been trying to make Christmas things to cheer mom up though. It's been kinda fun. Very tiring but fun.
