I don't want this post to be all depressing so we'll start with the bad and end with the good.
First off, how am I? That's the question of the year, now, isn't it? Even I've been wondering how I really am. Everything within me wants to scream for help but another part doesn't want to tell anyone I'm struggling because it's been how long? Almost a year. You know? Everyone's like, "I'm blessed, doing great" and all that and it's like I don't feel blessed, I don't feel great. I feel like s**t in a whirlwind of depression.
I don't feel well. For the past 2 weeks I've been waking up feeling sick and like I haven't gotten hardly any sleep even though I've been in bed for 12 hours. My heart is still off and on feeling weird, palpitations, chest pain, I get dizzy, nauseous, kinda feeling faint-ish. The other day, I went to stand up on the bed bed and I had been so dizzy I miscalculated where to put my foot on the edge to step off and almost fell. I tried to down play it to my mom, I don't want her to worry but it's because I was so dizzy. My blood pressure was 106/90, which is weird, for me. I'm normally really close to 120/80. The numbers normally go down together or up together.
I was doing some research on bradycardia because at times my pulse drops below 60, resting, that's normally when I have the most symptoms. I found out, if it is bradycardia then the dizziness and feeling faint-ish could be because my heart isn't pumping enough blood throughout my body. The first part it starts not being able to adequately reach is the back of your brain, because of gravity, thus the symptoms.
Oh, you know what was weird? I made up plain coffee creamer from the dried stuff to go in with cocoa and then to make pudding a while back and my mouth and throat went numb and tingly like I was having an allergic reaction. Every time I used the creamer. The only thing that really does it to that extent is red 40. There was no dye, Idk what it was but it all was supposed to be safe, so who knows what I was reacting to. I also recently found out 2 breakfast bars I got a while back have honey, peanuts and rosemary extract(Idk why). I'm allergic to all of those. I wondered why I felt bad after eating it... Now, I know why.
This year has also been pretty tough because January was 4 years since papa died, February would have been my grandparents anniversary, March is 4 years since my best friend's mom died and would have been my best friend that died's birthday. This is the first year without her. I still don't believe it. It's all so crazy. My aunt and uncle took us out to eat recently, they'd always come and take my grandma and us out. Before they got here, I was questioning rather I got gram's wheelchair for her ready to go. A few weeks before that my grandma's cat was on the floor and I could have sworn that was my mom's dog for a second there, even though her dog died a few years ago. I keep wanting to write Ash, my best friend, and show her things I found that I think she would have liked. It's so hard to see her profile, knowing she's gone. x( I still have so many regrets but I try my best to push them out of my head because I know none of it is my fault. I just miss them all so much.
Also, sort of good news, my mom's friend knows someone who's giving away a really old car. So, we're about to get that soon. My mom's so excited, I'm just dreading it. I know that's awful. My brother is helping us a lot financially right now, so it's not like we're set. We're going to be expected to go out and get a job, with good reason, but neither one of us is actually truly able. My mom has so many medical problems and neuropathy in her hands, tendonitis, heart racing and a lot of arthritis and fibromyalgia. I have fibromyalgia, lyme(if I'm right, which I still haven't been able to prove why it couldn't be), heart issues(which may be from the lyme) that causes a lot of dizziness and faint-ish feelings. Along with the fact that I almost get sick just leaving the house once because of all my allergies, I'm going to be constantly sick. We can barely get stuff done around here though. I'm talking about simple things like cleaning, doing laundry going through some of our stuff. I have no idea how we'd be able to last with even a part time job. And to be honest, I'm terrified to drive. I used to love to drive but I'm so afraid I'm going to fall asleep or pass out(because of my heart symptoms) behind the wheel. I've almost done it multiple times before. I quit going to pt for my knees because I kept almost falling asleep. I've had to drive so many times feeling like I kinda feel like I may faint. One day, a couple years ago, I was grocery shopping by myself and I almost blacked out twice. My vision actually started going darker, almost went black. I had to drive myself home, that was terrifying. I've driven since but with internal reluctance. My mom doesn't know, I don't want to worry her. I can't stand the thought of hurting someone else or myself while driving though.
I also I've been listening to more Elevation Church on YouTube. It's been good but I still just can't get over that confusion and hurt feeling of so many people gone, even young. I'm still angry with God. I try so hard not to be and to be positive and hopeful and expect good things, like my mom, but I just can't. My mom's like, "You have to trust God because he's always taken care of us." Which is true but it's like, you do realize that's the same God that let gram, papa, my best friend's mom and my best friend die... Trust me, in my book, all bets are off... Anything can happen, good or bad. I hate feeling that way but it's the truth.
Okay, enough of the bad and depressing stuff. On to the good.
On the good side, I learned how to make something close to Chic-Fil-A's fried chicken sandwich and something like a Polynesian sauce, an allergy friendly version anyway. I also have pretty well mastered my mom's peanut butter cookies, I use almond butter though because I can't have peanuts. I put chocolate chips in the center, like thumbprint cookies, when they come out of the oven. So good! They're chewy on the inside and crispy around the edges. Everybody loves them! biggrin I also learned how to make my own almond butter. Well, good enough to go in the cookies. I'm either not leaving it in the food processor long enough(I've had it going for up to 30-35 minutes though...) or we don't have a powerful enough one to get it super smooth.
I also made a berry banana pudding. I've never thought about that before. I used pudding, strawberries, bananas and crumbled blueberry breakfast "biscuits"(crackers, in my opinion) in with the pudding and let it sit for a bit. The blueberries actually rehydrated a bit and it was so good! I also figured out you can mix lemon curd in with whipped cream and put it in a cake or angle food cake with strawberries for like a strawberry lemonade kind of cake. Mmm, so good!
I wanna learn how to make a soy free version(I'm allergic to soy) of orange chicken, like Panda Express. I figured out how to make a soy free orange chicken like you get at a normal Chinese restaurant but Panda Express is so different. Man, I wish I knew how to do spring rolls and sweet and sour sauce too. Oh man, that would be amazing!!
Another good thing is, my hair is curling a lot more, like it used to back in the day, like spirals. I trimmed it a couple months ago, according to how it was curling then, with the tighter curls now it looks like I cut it again. lol Idk why it's curling so much all of a sudden. I'll take it though.
Oh, oh! I also won a Cici(dress) from Lularoe around Christmas and I wore it out earlier this month. I got SO many comments on people loving it, it was nice to hear because I really liked it and liked it on me too. heart
We've started trying to grow some things inside now instead of outside. The wild animals outside keep eating all the food we try to grow. Lol. We had a ton of green onions growing outside and a few potatoes... Not a single one left. We're already getting some new green onion growth inside though! I'm excited.
It's funny though because mom's birds love carrots and we were out for a while there. So, we were giving them almonds and trying different things. I got carrots again and they went crazy. I mentioned carrots and showed them and they were chirping like crazy. Haha. It's cute because the male, Baloo, is blue and white but the white area around his beak gets orange from digging his face into the shredded carrots. rofl
We finally got the Christmas stuff down last month, which was good. Lol. I also got to play Destiny 2 with my brother and his gf recently, which was a lot of fun. I love that game.
Me and my mom were watching The Passage... Omg! Such a good show. They had their season finale though, so now we wait. I wanna know where it goes from here. Each episode is in a completely different direction than I thought. Mom's also been getting into Gotham, finally. So, I'm went back to the beginning and started watching it with her. She's really liking it, I knew she would. I love that show. ^_^
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