you're always on some level
not wanting to exist.
days not spent putting on pretty faces
and fake smiles are spent lingering on your bed
twirling fabric between fingers
idly wondering how easy it would be for this all to be
over.
every time life trips you every time another piece of stone
chips away
that little voice rests on the inlets of your eardrums.
the little voice that whispers sweet nothings to you
that reminds you last time it wasn't far enough.
that this time it could be.
you drown out the noise with mindless mundane useless tasks
to try and bring you back to the now to bring you back where
you want to exist.
but it's harder and harder to see past the smog and
even harder still pretending it's not there and it just makes you
tired.
there isn't anyone out there can possibly sympathise
no one out there that would be able to understand the pact
you made with yourself.
there just isn't anyone
willing to look beyond your shell.
you tried to find reasons to hold on.
you try to desperately finish calculations and set timers
but it all gets lost in the constant noise in your head
the persistent voice that nothing is worth it.
that you mean
nothing.
most days you can keep it at bay.
you can feel sorry for yourself in peace and in some measure of
solitude.
you are able to stay quiet and proper and act like everything is
okay.
but you're lying to yourself
if you don't catch your gaze fall to the window
and wonder what it would be like
to fall
farther.
faggulicious Community Member 
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