Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I’m so sick of all this. One day it’s going one way and the next it’s going another. I’m really getting annoyed now. Honestly, I wasn’t mad before, not at her, not at anyone or anything in particular, I was just being a whiney pouting little punk about all of it, but now I’m actually getting mad. Stop telling me how I should feel about this, I will feel how I feel. I can’t control it, I can’t change it and neither can you so just stop.

And why is it that whenever something happens everyone says “sorry” ? “oh, I’m so sorry, that must be hard” “sorry man, that sucks” “I’m sorry…” all of that nonsense needs to stop. I am the one who messed up, I’m the one who is supposed to be sorry and no one else. When you say you’re sorry you are telling someone that you genuinely feel bad about what has happened to hurt them and you would change it if you could. The person who messed up is not supposed to have anyone feel bad about their pain and anger, and saying you would make it different if you could is essentially telling me that my feelings should not be justified and that I should not be angry and hurt by this. Stop it. Stop telling me my feelings are wrong, stop telling me to feel differently, just stop telling me I should be different. Guess what, I can’t change my feelings anymore than I can change the earth’s rotation, and if I can’t do it, then you believing you could is just arrogant.

If you are going to be like this, then just leave me alone because I do not want to deal with this. I am how I am. If it was just something little or something insignificant then fine, I really don’t mind changing myself when it’s something small, but this is too much. I wouldn’t change my feelings even if I could so just back off and let me be.

And just so you know, I’m not posting all of this for your or anyone else’s benefit. I’m posting all this because I want to and it’s something that makes me feel better. I could not care less who reads and who doesn’t and who agrees and who doesn’t. I’m not posting to make anyone feel guilty or obligated to talk to me about this garbage, I’m not posting so people will think I’m all bad and dark and whatever. I’m just posting. If I wanted attention I would just post what I think about every night when I’m laying bed. I would talk about the things that flit about my mind when just sitting there in the FSCJ hallway with various strangers passing around. But I don’t talk about that stuff because I know that some of my thoughts need to remain personal, that some of my thoughts are inappropriate, that some of my thoughts will only do harm if I set them free into the virtual world like this. And since you’re reading this I’m going to assume you know me, so you know that any thought that I think could be classified as so “inappropriate” that I wont talk about it, then it’s really messed up. I’m the guy who has regular conversations about back-alley abortion, murder, rape, necrophilia, and other topics that the average human being verbally flees from, and the sensitive human being becomes physically ill just thinking about.

I am so sick of talking and thinking about all the drama and the nonsense in life. Guess what people, life isn’t real. None of this is real. In the end all the education you try to obtain, all the degrees you may earn, all the work you do, all the money in your bank, all the people you have around you, you are going to die. And at that death nothing you have done will matter. We’re all just killing time until time kills us. And to be totally honest, I hope that happens soon. For me and the human race as a whole.

Yeah, I want the human race to just die off. We are all nothing more than mindless, destruction-bound, parasites. We seep our existence off this planet and then use that existence to destroy that which we desperately need to live. Everything we cling to can be destroyed, everything we as a people think is necessary could fall away. Nations, governments, religions, groups, languages, and economies could all fall to waste, and human beings would (unfortunately) live on. Human beings are incredibly adaptive and pseudo-symbiotic. The only thing that would, for sure, destroy the human race is the destruction of this planet. Any and all orders that are on this planet are manmade and could easily die leaving little to no effect on the humans that created it. The host has to die for the parasites to starve. Let them all die.

But honestly, I think that before the destruction of the human race, I would love to see the destruction of its orders. All those manmade nations and worldly economies I mentioned. I want to watch them fall away and I want to laugh as I see those people who so desperately cling to them sit in the dirt and waste of their own illusions and cry. It disgusts me how many people cling to these ideas as necessary when they are merely conveniences.

Watch and weep as the world you knew slowly devolves into nothing but mindless animal instinct and destruction. This world will soon turn to hell, and everyone sucking on the dry teat of mother earth will be dragged along for the ride. I hope you’re all ready. Call me sick for longing for global genocide, call me an anti-christ for being filled with rage and hate for the world He had nothing but love for, call me an anarchist for desperately wanting the destruction of all human government. Call me what you will. I am what I am. If I am meant to be a committer of war-crimes ending in genocide, then I will, if I am meant to be an (or ‘the’ maybe, God only knows what’s in store for me) anti-christ then I will. If I am meant to war with society and slowly play a part in the destruction of government, then I will. If I’m meant to be that worthless little freak who strangles himself in his bedroom and is quickly forgotten, then I will be. All that is going to happen and is happening is meant to be. Trying to kick against the pricks is pointless. Be who you are meant to, for you can be nothing else.


Now, originally I had planned this to just be a you tube video and a song, but my internet connection was messing up so I just started typing in Microsoft works word processor and this is where I ended up twenty minutes later. I hope you enjoyed this (actually I couldn’t care less if you enjoyed it, as I said, I wrote it for me) but I’m going to stop now and just put up the song and video, it is Rose of Sharyn by Killswitch Engage. (yes joel, I know you will remember how I called this one of the most emo songs you have ever listened to, shut up) so good bye, I’m done typing, my left hand is going numb.


<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/cupKKNaFfLk&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="[removed]" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/cupKKNaFfLk&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" [removed]="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>

Numb and broken, here I stand alone
Wondering what were the last words I said to you
Hoping, praying that I'll find a way to turn back time
Can I turn back time?

What would I give to behold
The smile, the face of love?
You never left me
The rising sun will always speak your name

Numb and broken, here I stand alone
Wondering what were the last words I said to you
It won't be long, we'll meet again

What would I give to behold
The smile, the face of love?
You never left me
The rising sun will always speak your name

It won't be long, we'll meet again
Your memory is never passing
It won't be long, we'll meet again
My love for you is everlasting

I mourn for those who never knew you [x2]

It won't be long, we'll meet again
Your memory is never passing
It won't be long, we'll meet again
My love for you is everlasting