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...i dont really feel like moving anymore...obviously i mean i dont want my body to be active at all, i dont really see the point of it anymore...the few things i have are circling the drain...the few things i want are either inconceivable or impossible to achieve...at the moment i feel devoid of all feeling. I told someone i was going to bed, but i dont want to sleep. Im tired of dreaming...all my dreams either horrify or taunt me...which, if you know me you know both of those are rather hard to do (yes, this is a pathetic attempt at humor in an overtly emotional and depressing blog, and yes i know its easy to taunt me, but i mean both taunt me and bother me with said taunt...not many people can say things that i feel honestly insulted by). My dream last night...i was in a dark room, or at least i assume its a room, it could be just a desolate sunless plain...now that i think on it, thats probably more accurate. I walked, and walked, and walked...and nothing ever changed, its as if i was walking in place, but i knew i wasnt...i couldnt be...could i? The dark surrounded me...silently mocking me...this continued for what felt like an eternity...solitude...darkness...no fullfillment or accomplishment...simply existing in a vain attempt at progress...im not sure how long it was exactly but eventually the mood of the dream changed...i was no longer alone, i felt them, thousands...hundreds of thousands...all lurking along the outskirts of my vision, plotting, planning, scheming...waiting for me to stop walking...but i didnt, i kept walking, even though by then i had realized the futility in doing so. Soon after i had this revelation of the entities outside my realm of existance, the jeering began, simple insults, insignificant and trivial. Nothing to even bother remembering...but...one statement...questioning the validity of my journey, caused me to pause, and in doing so i sealed my own fate. In that singular moment of hesitation, i was siezed...overtaken by this massive group...although i only ever felt two hands on me...then in what could have been an eternity that felt like only moments, i was in a different place. A bright place...but, bright is not the right word...it was...lit...i was able to see...but it was more a shining darkness than a light...and in this darkness i felt everything being ripped away from me, my clothes, my hopes, my dreams, my reason for existing...they took the reason i kept walking...and even now i cant remember it...i then watched in awe as i was laid down on pieces of wood, unable to move, my ankles were crossed and a rail was driven through them, connecting them to the planks below...then my wrists were drawn out, stretched away from my body, but almost parallel with my waist and large nails driven through them, at this point it was obvious to me i was being crucified...i felt none of this, but watched it all in gruesome detail as my blood dripped down the oaken boards i was so unceremoniously placed upon...this raging mob then lifted the cross of sorts...it didnt look like a cross as i picture one, but close enough to be called such...then flipped it over and drove me headfirst into the ground and let me hang, blood dripping down my body. My only feeling was surprise that i wasnt screaming in agony or passed out from pain...as i saw them slowly circle this wooden post the mood once again changed...not much, it went from what was a shining darkness, to burning...an blazing inferno of black and rage, as one being, identical to the rest, yet somehow different, stepped forward and threw what looked to be a lit wooden match directly between my eyes...i caught immediately and burned profusely, my body giving off a strange blue smoke...and yet, the cross i had been nailed to did not burn at all...it didnt even get warm...all i felt on my back was cold, stiff and bitter, while my body felt heat and anger. I hung there...and hung there...and hung there...im not sure what happened after this, all i can remember is burning for what seemed like days...then...i woke up...
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