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0) You know, people (or person), this is my 21st Random Rambling and I still don't know who all reads this journal. And my entry views make it into the teens a lot of the time. Maybe it's about time you left a comment?

1) Our teacher had us write an entry about lies recently and it got me thinking. I tell a lot of lies throughout the day. White lies of varying strength about 99% of the time, but it's rare for me to give an opinion that isn't at least shaded a little to give it a greater positive or negative impression. In other words, while they may not be serious lies, I lie A LOT. And it makes me wonder why humans, as a general rule, will tell white lies all the time just to get through life. I mean, how can one really expect to get to know someone who is always hiding behind a veil of falsehood. And, at the same time, why would you want to live with someone that you were scared of telling the truth to? And yet we do it every day. Are we really so frightened of others finding out our true natures?

1.5) Part of the reason for lying may just be foresight. You're mad at someone and you would dearly love to tell them why and how much you hate them right now, but you know that, later, you'll regret it… so you don't. Or the opposite, you like someone at the moment, but you know that you won't want to deal with them later. Sometimes I just want to scream,"THAT'S GREAT, BUT I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE NOW!" but I know I'll regret it later, so I don't.

2) Have you ever had something make you mad for no reason? If you're anything like me (or any typical teenager, really) this happens a lot. How do you act on your anger? Do you act on your anger? Do you have the restraint not to? Can you even control whether you do or not?

2.5) Sometimes, when I get angry I'll feel a burning in the pit of my stomach. Like the acid in there is trying to burn it's way through my stomach lining. I just want to kill whoever is making me angry, or at least cry and scream at them. It literally makes me feel sick.

3) I've been less happy than usual lately. I honestly wonder whether this is hormones or if I'm really, truly unhappy. I do fine at school, most of the time. Just normal and rational. But when I get home, my mood just sinks sometimes. There are the pressures of school, of course ~ homework is bad in senior year and I need to start working on college stuff. And there are stresses of social life, too. Relationships with people, keeping others happy. Sometimes I feel like I'm living my whole life as others would like me to, rather than how I would like to live it. I hate it, but, at the same time, I doubt I could stop even if I tried. There's too much that depends on my staying the "good kid" and other such labels. It's probably why I get so angry lately. It's just becoming too much work to stay as I am when I want so desperately to be free.

4) I find it amusing, in a self deprecating and angry way, that I'm so unhappy when I appear to have everything. I have friends. A boyfriend. Good parents. Good homes. Money. A good future assured. A good mind. Everything. And, yet, I'm unhappy. Isn't it hilarious? Maybe it's that I have everything a person could want materially, but there's something lacking emotionally. Also, the stresses of school and whatnot are a definite factor.

4-5) I don't know… I just wish I had someone to really talk to. Someone who really cared and could talk to me decently back. No one in my life really fits that and I hate it. I have people around me who care, but it's hard to talk to them. Or the people that should care don't. Who knows. I probably need a shrink, but I don't really want to have to ask. It's even hard to find someone to talk to just normally, no one seems to ever want to listen anymore.

5-4) My first real, and now ex, boyfriend had a lot of shortcomings. But he had some really amazing saving graces, too. His greatest gift to me was that he would listen to me talk about my day and all the little things in my life like they actually mattered to him and he would ask questions that showed he really cared. It was the best thing ever to talk to him. He's one of those people who, if you're like me, you want to write down all the details in your day just to tell them to. I never really realized how much his listening meant to me until I lost that gift. Granted, he still talks to me and listens like it matters, but not nearly as often or for as long. You never know what you've got until you've lost it. And I'm really missing that now.

5) Have you noticed that it's rare to find someone who wants to listen to others, not to wait for those others to get done with whatever they're saying, but to actually listen for the sake of listening? These days, conversations seem to be all about waiting the other person out, saying your bit and just exchanging views without actually listening to what the other person has to say. I think that's why people value good listeners so much. Listening is a dying art.

5.5) People are super closed minded a lot of the time. They have their own opinions, and even if they look like they're listening to yours, they won't even think about changing their own, even if your argument is extremely valid and possibly more well reasoned than their own. There are also the people who only hear what they want to hear, no matter what. These people really make me mad, because they're so convinced that their way is the best way and that everyone knows it. What's even more annoying is that it's most frequently these people who are wrong.