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What do I say to you people? You--you who know so much, and understand so little.


I don't know any of you.




I don't know any of you at all. Friends, strangers, kind people who are so nice to me, I don't know you.
That's okay, though. That's okay. It's okay. It's okay. No companions, it's okay. We all have secrets. We all should. We are--are individuals. There's no Instrumentality here, no binding, no--no--interconnected hive mind thoughtloop.



I don't want to know you people! Your secrets--let them be yours! Don't burden me. Don't--don't burden me. It crashed my world. It crashed my mind, flipped up rightside down like a snowglobe slipped and cracked.
thinking in metaphors.


I don't know what I want to say.
I can't
I can't say anything

i can't confide in you people. there's no one I can call when I'm broken, there's no one I can talk to except the problem
I can't talk to the problem about the problem.













It's daytime. Right now. Sunlight, wind, warm and warming and comforting, like a smile like an arm around my shoulders like a hug. It's daytime and I can't talk.
nighttime.
That's when the ghosts and goblins and monsters come out, you know.
That's when I know what I want to say.

That's when I hurt, that's when I ache and I know what I want to say
to you.

You.
You
you
stupid
stupid
stupid
STUPID

STUPID!!!!!!!!!!

YOU!

You ruined my evening.
i want to throw my cellphone against the wall and watch it shatter
this brick that i carry around weighing me down
You ruined it, you made me cry, you don't even know.
REPENT! I ask you, I beg you, how do I repent?


Nothing, you say. I don't have to repent. I don't have to apologize for my paranoia, I don't have to apologize for being a b***h? you lie. YOU LIE! YOU LIE YOU LIE!
You say that because you know that you must reciprocate? You say I don't have to apologize for being cold and crashing because then you would have to apologize for ruining my evening?


is it ever a good idea to tell someone paranoid of being left out that you left them out on purpose?
did i ever need to know i had been left out?

STUPID!

YOU STUPID
STUPID
STUPID


And then you tell me I don't have to repent, to change my actions, to change myself, to
to
i don't have to? you lie.
God, you lie.

You told me to make me hurt. Petty, cruel, ice liquid nitrogen thump thump freeze.

I don't know you. I can't talk to you anymore, not like this. You want to go back to the way things were? How can you say that? You know I can't. do you know i can't? I don't remember what we used to talk about.
I don't remember
memory like a sieve gets worse when there are holes in the heart


You don't know. You can't know. you can't you can't I don't want to tell you. Will you ever know how much you hurt me? Would you ever understand? Could you ever understand this cold hate, this rage that freezes that won't fade that won't burn itself out? You won't know. This is the one place totally free of your eyes. Only one person knows who you are. Only one person I will never travel with either, not you and not them you hurt me you both hurt me and you will never fully understand that shard of ice of frozen mirror shrapnel lodged like i should take up drinking and their eyes will never find this either. Unless they watch without telling, unless they know without saying



So I avoid the problem.
















I want to take up dreaming like some people take up drugs. I want to sleep and see other worlds and be other people. I want to fly and ride high and never crash, never wake up.
I want to dream like people drink, and for the same reasons too.