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i don't want to go back to therapy

but it's getting worse.

I'm paranoid, I'm insecure, I'm filled with self-loathing, and I feel utterly alone in the world. I don't feel like I can turn to my friends for help--they alway hear me whine, and they have problems of their own that are far worse than mine. I cannot complain to them, even thought they say I can. i can't i can't i can't

I can't tell my family. God no. no nonononononono
they'll put me back in therapy
and that costs money
and I can't go wasting money, not when I'm a useless bum who hasn't even tried looking for a job, who's only average in school--and knows it--and has no ambition to do anything.

maybe it would be easier to clear out my friendlist and pretend that I have no friends on Gaia, and to stop going on facebook, and to just close myself off from the world so I don't think anyone is ignoring me on purpose
you can't avoid me if i'm avoiding you first
and just stop meeting people so i can't be hurt
i'm staring at you hawthorne
and just hurry up and die so i stop bothering people


and then I start crying because the suicidal thoughts are back and I thought I'd gotten rid of those, gotten over and past those
but i'm just so lonely
and afraid
i'm so mortally terrified that that i don't know
i don't know why i'm doing this if i'm scared of being alone
why am i driving you away

oh god i need help.