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It's eating away at me now. No matter who I think I can trust, no matter who I offer an ear to.. There's no one for me to turn to. Between changing the subject, making jokes, signing offline.. Whenever I desperately need someone to turn to, that I think maybe will listen to me, someone I think I can trust... I get burned. The small steps I took forward to trusting someone takes a giant leap back and it makes me feel insignificant, worthless.. I'm good for a shoulder to cry on, but there's no shoulder there for me to cry on.. It's killing me emotionally.. I have enough trouble being touched, because I've only ever been touched to be hurt, but now... I can't even trust, I can't even believe others around me.. I can't even hope that maybe someone will be there when I need to turn to someone.. When I need to be told it's okay, when I need someone to relate to.. Turns out all those people who I've offered what strength and love I have left to don't have any to spare for me...

It just feels like my heart is dying, and there's nothing I can do about it, and no one who will help me repair it.. I'm surrounded by people, but I feel so desperately alone. There's nothing I can do but grow a thicker skin and take a giant step back away from people I love, and I thought loved me.. What's going to happen to me when I break? The only person I have to talk to is my pillow. As I type this, I'm crying.. and I know that there isn't anyone I can plead to for some form of comfort, seek some form of love and strength from... And I feel alone.

I'm crumbling..