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Last night mum and I were wrapping gifts.. I know Christmas should be about the giving, not the getting.. But as we wrapped, I looked at all the gifts for my mother's boyfriend.. Everything is well, well over 1k all together.. She spent so much money on him.. she always does for his birthday and Christmas.. And I know.. that there will be hardly a damn thing for me. There were so many boxes wrapped that said Stuart on them, and I know, there will be maybe, MAYBE three gifts for me under the tree.. Nothing will be over $200, not even added all together.. I know it sounds greedy, and I genuinely normally don't care about the getting aspect of Christmas, but it wrenches my heart to see how much more she gives Stuart than to me, her own flesh and blood.. The one who can't afford anything she longs for, the one who will always be struggling just to pay her bills.. While she dishes out the money for her BOYFRIEND. It just feels like a big status symbol.. That because his name is over so many things, and my name will be on hardly anything...

I hate Christmas.. I wish I could skip it this year.. It just feels like I'm being pushed further and further away.. My mother said no stocking stuffers (my favourite part) because of the recession and she wants to tighten up money a bit.. I know for a fact that she gets paid a ridiculous amount, and while I don't feel that that is a big deal, it kills me to see my favourite part of Christmas taken away so that my mother can spend copious amounts more on her stupid ******** boyfriend...

I know it sounds greedy.. that so many people have no Christmas at all, but can anyone understand what I'm going through? To feel like my mother's looking at her boyfriend as substantially more important than me... It really hurts.. I just want to cry, to scream at her that maybe she should have saved her money instead of dumping it all on her boyfriend and brushing me off.. It just.. It hurts so bad to feel like I'm becoming more and more unimportant to my mum.. Like she's moved on in her life from me...

I love that despite being in a recession, she can still spend loads of money on stuff that Stuart doesn't need, while I still need a new bed frame, while there are so, so many things I need..

I spent so much of my own hard earned money on my mum.. Money that I could have just saved up for the things that I want, that I know I won't be getting for Christmas...

There were probably at least seven gifts for Stuart under the tree this year... I wonder if I'll be lucky enough to get three... That breaks my heart.

Don't get me wrong.. It's not that I'm not getting enough gifts.. It's that her BOYFRIEND is worthy of more from her than her FLESH AND BLOOD... I don't care if I got two gifts or any, but it's not fair that she blows so much cash that she said she can't spare on him...