Loneliness, that is all I feel. I've been alone for 20 years. 20 years without someone to listen, 20 years without someone to help. My friends are only superficial, I cannot share who I am with them. My father is gone and my mother is preoccupied. No one cares. No one wants to care. Why can't I have someone who cares about me just because I'm me. Not because I can help them, not because I can give them something, but just because they like me. Why is it that I'm always the one helping but never the one to be helped? Why is it that I have to try to have people like me? Why is it that I sacrifice my happiness for the happiness of others? Why can't I be happy, why can't I be helped? It hurts... it hurts so much. It's a sad realization when one discovers their friends, their family would be better off without them. So why do I live? Why does my life matter? I'm not happy, no one is better off with me in their life, so why? Is it because I don't want to put them through the momentary pain of losing me? Is it because I don't want to be a financial burden of my death? Are temporary inconveniences like those a fair trade for a life without a subjective-well-being-sucking leech such as myself? Why do I live? Why do I try? Why do I try to further my own life. What end am I trying to achieve? I don't know. I want to be happy, I want to feel loved, to feel like someone cares about me. I want to know that someone's life is better off with me in their life. I want to know that, but it seems a truth that can't be realized. I'm a third-wheel friend, I'm an easily-replaced son and a burden on anyone that knows me.
I want to be helped, I want to be loved, I don't want to hide anymore.
 haruki_jitsunin · Sat Apr 12, 2008 @ 10:20am · 1 Comments |
