|
You know, I've noticed something. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
A few months ago, I was extremely depressed, I was hitting really low psychological points and very few high ones. I think it had something to do with me being in the closet, for the most part. I mean, I'm not entirely "out" yet, however, there are at least some people that know I'm gay now. Once I let it out, once I told people, I was able to deal a bit better with life. I mean, sure, I still do get really depressed a whole lot, but now I have people I can go to if I need to talk
Actually, just recently, as in last night, I went out with some friends to a gay club. Now, mind you I have been feeling really lonely and hated as of recent due to the passing of prop 8 in california. (dirty mother ********) It really pisses me off because it was mostly the minority religious groups that pushed for its approval, and really, made it succeed. This election has shown to me that homosexuals<animals<minorities<white people. Now, that sounds really racist, I know, but based on how the elections went, this is about what it shows to me. I mean, those minorities are just dying to have someone lower on the food chain than they, so guess who gets the short end of the proverbial stick, yeah, that's right, homosexuals. Who cares about equality, I mean, after all, we can be separate but equal, right? (goddamned mother ********) I'm a bit pissed. And I mean, honestly, this was a proposition that targeted one group of people. Since it passed, one group is miserable while no one else is any better for it. No one at all. How is that ******** fair?!
I digress.
I went out with some friends to a gay night club. Now, I have to say, at first I was extremely out of my element. I went with two of my friends, one who wants me so bad (and I can tell), the other who's a bisexual in a straight, married relationship (complicated, right?). We went there and I'm not necessarily the party type. But as I was sitting there, getting forcibly "grind" raped by a 260 pound black guy, I noticed something. All these homosexuals, all in one place, they were just happy being themself. They didn't care who saw or what anyone else was doing, they just were content being, existing. And then, instead of feeling all "warm and fuzzy," I just felt more alone. I wasn't like them. I couldn't be like them even if I wanted to. There are too many people who I love, who I would give my life for, that would hate me just because I like men. God, it hurts just typing that. I want to scream, I want to be straight, hell I just want to be accepted, tolerated for who I am, not for what I can do for people.
I know this is kind of unrelated, but I've noticed that a lot of my friendships aren't based on, well friendship. I feel as though I'm being used, as though they're just my friend because I'm nice to them, rather, they're just my friend because I sometimes buy them lunch or a soda or something like that. It's not a mutual, tit for tat thing, it's like they're just using me. And it sucks because I know, as soon as I "come out," that they'll abandon me. I know, though that if they're really my friend that it wouldn't matter. But that's just it, what if they're not really my friend. Is being true to myself justification enough for being lonely the rest of my life? I hate my life, I hate my friendships, I hate that I hate my friendships. Goddamnit, I hate thinking, it just makes me depressed.
 haruki_jitsunin · Mon Nov 17, 2008 @ 10:12am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
