school's almost out.
Most recent movies watched (in reverse order):Little Miss Sunshine
Thank You For Smoking
The Breakfast Club
Dr. Strangelove
Random Head-s**t:There's a week left and then my highschool days are over for good. I'm left with a profound feeling of loss, unlike 99% of my peers, who can't wait to get the ******** out. I wonder if this feeling is based in a subconcious fear that my life will never be better than it is now, or simply fear of the unknown. It's hard to say.
I'm excited for college opportunities, but I'm also hesitant about joyfully throwing away the last shreds of my childhood. I know I don't have to do anything stupid like grow up, but all the days of mindless dependency are getting tossed. Short of getting married to a millionaire and wandering around the mansion all day inspecting the height of the plush carpet, my future will inevitably hold a lot of thinking for myself and making my own mistakes.
I wonder now if breaking up with Lynn was just a ginormous mistake. It doesn't feel like it- it hurts like hell that every time we talk now I seem to ******** things up and we both come away with sore feelings, and I think about him a lot even if I don't feel I can tell him so. It's odd, but as soon as the relationship wasn't there to patch everything up, our little akward dealings with each other have become destructive. Before a simple, "It's okay, because I love you" made everything right. Without that now, there's just this... chasm.
I think I'm secretly hoping that someday it might work again. We'll live near each other, slowly get re-aquainted, and everything will be wine and daisies. The more I come in contact with him lately, the more it seems that's not going to happen. It's only then that I regret breaking it off. The knowledge of myself that i've gained in the past year being alone has been extraordinary, and very valuable. I'm not sure I could trade that back now, even if when I try to imagine the perfect partner he always seems to pop up in looks and personality.
Once again, i'm putting off going to sleep. When I get into a funk like this, my brain is traveling a hundred miles and hour and the ideas and words flow freely. During the day time I can't write more than twenty or thirty words before i'm sick of them and communication in general. At night like this, it spews. When I should be
sleeping. Tomorrow is going to hurt like a sonovabitch.
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People I love:
Tugger, Tedrell, Eve, Wade, Glenn, Cheryl, Jan, MY MOTHER, The kidlets, all my friends in the far corners (penguin, nii-kun, monkey man), my internet support network (Inu, Cruci, Jean Paul, Slim, Maren, Hobo, Chief's Woman)
Everybody*.
*Yeah, everybody. It irks me when people say they love everybody, 'cause it's like saying they feel the same for every single goddamn person on the planet, which is rediculous- I HOPE you love your mom more than Fidel Castro- But...
I mean it. A little bit of love slips out to everyone.
