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PPPS-
I think I should just preface this whole entry by saying that you know, I have some really great friends on Gaia and I appreciate how much support and encouragement they give me for my art. When I am in the ABR, you know, I do believe someday I can be a comic artist.
That's enormous. I do not know how to express my gratitude.



It's really hard to believe i'll be turning 21 next month. I started to feel old over in Date since i was surrounded by all these 12 year old kids and married people with kids and even grandkids, but being back in the states isn't making me feel all that much better. I get to wear my own clothes again which takes a lot of the edge off, but now I find myself surrounded by 12 and 13 year olds in my social circles here. It just blows my mind to see all this young talent, clawing their way towards artistic greatness at breakneck speed. Was I that good at that age? How good are they going to be when they turn 21?

The positive side of this is that despite how it can feel painful to realize I have not progressed with the same momentum of past years, that pain generates a burning desire to improve myself. I've continued with the one a day guild since Christmas and only missed a handful of days (several of them upon arrival at home- the change of speeds from living every day to its fullest to laying on the couch all day sure put me in a rut). And through that i've begun to see clearly the flaws and shortcomings of my abilities as an artist now.

I've always had a kind of secretive pride, a confidence upon looking at other's art that I could do the same thing if I felt like it, and I am quite good for my age. At long last, that confidence is cracking and I am seeing the reality of my ability and the incredible swiftness of time. The absence of that pride may be what helps me propel myself further. This massive amount of free time I'm tangled in at home may be what I need to fling myself mindlessly into art after art after art.

I just get the feeling if I have enough amazing input, the output will begin to improve. I must surround myself with first class quality. Even though it is painful to be so outmatched, it is time I took that pain instead of running from it. It is time to turn that pain into fuel that can help me fight off this swift and unrelenting passage of my years alive.


On another note.
I have been willing myself to write more brainlessly for the past six months or so and it makes me somewhat sad to realize how difficult it was to write even this very awkward and poorly worded journal. Perhaps it is time to begin writing properly again.

PS- Reading back in my journal. Looking at this...
Leave it to past me to have the advice and guidance that present me needs to hear. What is with that? Why do I always seem to know exactly what to say so that when my future self finds it, it just seems so perfect and tailor made?

Where does all my wisdom go?

PPS- "I don't want to be an adult quite yet" seems to be the most commonly reoccuring theme in all of my journal entries. It's just this endless cycle of "I am getting old" and "i'm about to become an adult for reals".
You'd think I'd be finished by now lol
I'm a hell of a lot less easily blown about, in any case. I'm a ******** stone.
That is somewhat worrisome. I hope I don't grow up to be one of those people who can't be moved by anything.