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That in my wallet I forgotten about but I don't understand why do I have these business cards if I ain't even gonna call them. Nine cards but one of the nine I kind of want to call them but scared of the outcome. This person I met at this animecon I with few months ago that does fanart, comic and plushie but I have no idea why am I thinking about it now? It's pretty much one of those things I shouldn't talk about nor think about because of the outcome. I'm starting to think I'm out of my mind even with common sense but the thought of it is like the samething online. It's funny when you think about it really but I do understand these other cards between job offers to gym work out and help with few things that doesn't really bug me but I just don't know why I get them and not even use them. I'm sorry for being silly and I am just confused person living in this world that seem so open yet so dangerous to a point you're just afraid of being hurt. I know lately I haven't been talking about myself as much anymore even I keep having these dreams or I'm just ranting about crap that just bother me still what should I say ? It's nothing bad when you think about it but I'm kind of tired of people repeating themselves about the same question to me. It's like I'm going mad-- oh wait I am going mad. I do try to picture myself living a normal life sometimes but to be honest it's pretty boring even I do not know what is normal? I do question myself in a lot of things but I hate the fact that people has their opinion of being normal yet I'm not even close to it.
Funny thing about it is it pretty much makes me feel like a freak.
Can I ask a question but it ain't personal or anything but when I write these logs or blogs that some people would say do you read them cause you're bored or you just find them interesting? It's funny but I find it sad for some reason. Like I said it's nothing personal for you readers but some user that read them did point out that it's interesting or they kind of do want to know more about me. I do write them for people to understand me more but it's weird that you could say such a thing really. I'm pretty much sorry for you reading this but I really don't see how it's interesting even the thought really does puzzle me but forget about it. I'm just confusing myself again.

Between you and me I lie to myself a lot. Kind of the reason why I don't trust myself anymore. Just want to point that out. If you're asking how does that work it's kind of hard to say. Take this as an example. You're on a diet and you want to eat those fries but it's all fatty and crap but them you convince yourself "Hi what bad can happen." . . . .no wait! That's not a good example!! Well it's between those lines I guess but I'm kind of like that a lot reason I don't trust myself anymore even I have little fight inside my head must of the time. If you're asking why am I writing about it well it kind of started with few people and users that were talking about trust. Kind of the reason I'm being it up. Speaking of trust do you trust people easy? It's pretty hard for me to trust anybody with crazy thoughts and what if going though my head.
I feel bad for some people I met nor talk too. I don't know why but I try not to show emotion nor try too but I hate the fact that I'm human. It's just hurt to hear other people stories even most of the time I really don't want to hear it. I know you agree with me but all we want to do is sleep yet we can't for some odd reasons. I know I can't even if I try I'll just wake up two hours later.
I'm sorry but I feel needy even I'm not. I really don't know what else should I write about but listening to people talk about junk I do not understand really just makes me want to play some music but that's another thing. Just notice that most users see me as a vocaloid but I ain't even close to one even for false that some fans would see me is just crap but I'm never was into nor like the thought of users that just looks down on someone. . . Then it goes back with that plushie card. So far I kind of want to see a cosplay and plushie of this loid you see in forums or see me holding few times when I go study at the library or you see on my desk. It's funny but I really do see it now as a what if. I'm sorry but I feel down thinking about it now. I shouldn't care nor care of the outcome as it already been one year and few months that it appeared. I'm sorry but if you put in thoughts as I am as I'm not going mad but want to see what you think about the crap I write and you read with I don't even moments. What if this non-official virtual diva came to life? I mean like it's very own fanpage, likes and favorites as popular then some of those other vocaloids everyone talks about. It's funny to me but like as what if question I just need something to think about as a dream so it might be an outcome as truth in my head even I know in reality as I see it now it would never happen. Mostly is because these so called fans really are simple minded but hateful but I'm not much of a fan even I only liked the program but I just needed to get it off my chest. Even lately some users say their "inspired" about it or what. Thinking about it now I kind of see it as a sick joke but no matter how bad you think about it this thing I been created on it's own terms pretty much scares me. If you're thinking what I mean it's what happen few months ago when I shown all these art work and covers to few friends but I wasn't impressed on it but they were.
Basically that's why I asked on this what if and thinking about that card I pick up at that con that just lends me here with more of the events that happen here. I'm pretty much sorry but I'm now worried if you think I'm odd-er then normal. . . Oh wait, what is normal again ? Ha ha that's a joke.
~ayame