i'm in a very irritated/depressed mood right now.
the only thing to release even 1/10 of this stress is to b***h.
and so i will. this will be a ranting entry.
if you don't like it too ******** bad.
basically this whole thing will be about my mom.
that and all of the things wrong right now.
my mom basically looks down upon me and makes me feel worthless.
she tells me how i'll never do anything with my life.
i stay in the house all day stuck on the computer and do nothing.
i'm not trying at all and i care solely about myself.
that's not true. i care about my girlfriend more then anything.
sometimes i wish i could just tell her that to prove her wrong.
i damn sure care about her more then my own mother.
she isn't even a mother to me. i don't like that word anymore.
if i had a choice i'd cut myself off from her for good.
i don't need her nor have i ever needed her.
but who am i to make such a bold statement.
i'm merely an ignorant child who can't think for myself.
that must be it since i'm pretty much treated like one.
she still forces me with punishment like i'm two.
i can't raise my voice at her yet she does it all the time with me.
i don't want to be like her and it makes me sick to hear those words.
she's a horrible parent and person in general.
she only cares about herself and her boyfriend.
the one who she always thinks is cheating on her and treats her like crap.
i can never be trusted but at the same time i've never been given any room.
of course you'll have doubts if you never even give me a chance.
everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie.
you never know. i could be bullshitting you right now.
it's sad that a mother can't even trust her own child.
given the fact that said child never did anything to begin with.
i'm tired of being lied to and i'm tired of promises being broken.
apparently if i were left alone with an animal both me and the animal would die.
well i guess you know what that means.
keep me on lock down and never let me do anything.
i hear that solves it all.
she's a pathological liar/addict and needs help.
sadly i'm through with her and i'm not offering any of that.
she makes lies up about me and runs off telling people things that aren't true.
once she even accused me of sneaking guys into my room.
that room was also conveniently located on the second floor of the house.
people wonder why i have such a sad look all of the time and keep to myself.
it's the people around me. the way i'm always treated.
i don't know what it is i'm supposed to do to earn trust.
i'm never allowed the opportunity.
my mom is so fake and two faced.
she'll act one way to your face then another when you're gone.
she talks about how much she hates her boyfriend when he's not around
but then two seconds later she's bending over backwards kissing his a**.
like hell i'll ever try that hard to get someone to like me.
i think she wishes i was a child again because she's always nice to children.
even ones that she's never been around. children aren't born with halos.
the messed up thing is that even if i were a child she'd still be the same.
she might as well abandoned me when i was younger.
my granny was the one who raised me. not her.
she seems to think that she did though and brags about it.
i'm not stupid like her and i won't go getting pregnant at a young age.
i don't do drugs. i don't smoke. i don't do anything.
it was just so hard for her to take care of me when she first had me
but she did it all by herself. total ******** lies.
she didn't do anything for me when i was a child.
her current boyfriend at the time was always her number one priority.
the first memory i have of her is when she left me at home alone.
she walked off to the store and all i remember is sitting there
crying and wondering why she had left me.
she keeps so many things from me. important things.
i've gotten stuff in the mail about free trips around the world.
trips that would allow me to also get all of my highschool/college credits.
i didn't find that letter until a year later. opened. already read by her.
sometimes i really do hope something horrible will happen to her.
i don't know if it's just the sadness/anger talking right now but i do.
i wish she'd just go far away.
she blames me for her past mistakes.
if she once did it while she was young then it's a sure thing i will too.
my whole family is racist and it's a wonder i'm not too.
but then again i suppose people can't rub off on you if they're never around.
it's so pathetic that there's basically nobody i can depend on.
you can thank my mom for that too.
she acts like an a** to everyone and then i'm the one who gets cut off.
i can't remember the last time i got something for my birthday
that wasn't either from my granny, mom, or girlfriend.
everyone is so ******** up in their heads that we should join the circus.
well either that or a mental institution.
i honestly think that they'd rather see me with another female then a black person.
i suppose that's good though. i guess.
my girlfriend wants me to eventually tell them all about me and her.
i don't want another reason for my mom to look down on me.
i'm just some abomination who never does anything right.
this will be one more thing that makes me 'odd' and not like her.
i think everyone else besides her would be okay with it.
there's nothing wrong with truly loving someone.
male or female. just because i found it doesn't mean you have to ruin it for me.
yeah yeah. she says she loves him and they have their names
tattooed on each others necks.
big ******** deal.
people do that all the time. it's called being stupid.
they've broken up and gotten back together more times then i can count.
so i recently learned i have a half brother.
his name is anthony and he's 15 years old.
i've never met him or even knew he existed until a few weeks ago.
i might possibly want to meet him in the near future.
as for going out and searching for my dad. i'm not sure.
i don't really think i want to meet a man who has wanted nothing
to do with his own child and can't even keep up with child support.
it's been years since i've gotten a child support check.
not that it really matters much since my mom takes the money anyways.
i guess she didn't think telling me about my half brother was important.
i had to find out through a phone conversation with her and someone else.
i sometimes wonder what he looks like. how he acts. what he sounds like.
if we might like the same things. how he dresses.
and if he knows about me and has ever wanted to meet me.
i hear he lives in kentucky. i don't know what i'd say to him.
it's hard to think of something to say to someone who's
partially related to you yet you've never met.
i don't think he could disappoint me more then my mom already has.
i wouldn't care if he's mentally challenged, has a speech impediment,
and walks with a limp. he could be purple for all i cared.
i just think it'd be really neat to have someone else.
i guess i mean someone else like me.
i'd force my love upon him and be an awesome big half sister.
even if i am technically smaller then him.
i'd want nothing more then for him to like me and us to get along.
my uncle put the thought of the navy/air force/marines into my head.
the way he said it though. it could be a possibility.
train for 6 weeks then come home for a month.
i'd get to travel. do what i want. live my life without rules and being bossed around.
i wouldn't want to leave my girlfriend for long periods of time though.
i'd miss her too much. and i don't want her to miss me.
i'll stop with this subject since i'd rather talk it over with her first.
her opinion matters a lot to me. more then anyone elses.
update:
my mom just told me to get off my lazy a** and play the new xbox 360.
oh yeah. i forgot. video games don't turn you into a mindless zombie at all.
she actually used the words 'it will be a good change for you'
in the same sentence. i think she's smoking crack.
the first words that came out of her boyfriend's mouth were
'lets sell it. we need the money.'
i didn't even get to play the psp or ps3 much because they sold them.
not once did we ever need the money that bad.
i know where all of the money will go.
her boyfriend will spend it on one pair of expensive shoes.
if they don't get dirty after two weeks he'll sell them.
it's a never ending cycle.
yay for updates.
- - - - - - - - - -
yeah b***h. i went there <3
the only thing to release even 1/10 of this stress is to b***h.
and so i will. this will be a ranting entry.
if you don't like it too ******** bad.
basically this whole thing will be about my mom.
that and all of the things wrong right now.
my mom basically looks down upon me and makes me feel worthless.
she tells me how i'll never do anything with my life.
i stay in the house all day stuck on the computer and do nothing.
i'm not trying at all and i care solely about myself.
that's not true. i care about my girlfriend more then anything.
sometimes i wish i could just tell her that to prove her wrong.
i damn sure care about her more then my own mother.
she isn't even a mother to me. i don't like that word anymore.
if i had a choice i'd cut myself off from her for good.
i don't need her nor have i ever needed her.
but who am i to make such a bold statement.
i'm merely an ignorant child who can't think for myself.
that must be it since i'm pretty much treated like one.
she still forces me with punishment like i'm two.
i can't raise my voice at her yet she does it all the time with me.
i don't want to be like her and it makes me sick to hear those words.
she's a horrible parent and person in general.
she only cares about herself and her boyfriend.
the one who she always thinks is cheating on her and treats her like crap.
i can never be trusted but at the same time i've never been given any room.
of course you'll have doubts if you never even give me a chance.
everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie.
you never know. i could be bullshitting you right now.
it's sad that a mother can't even trust her own child.
given the fact that said child never did anything to begin with.
i'm tired of being lied to and i'm tired of promises being broken.
apparently if i were left alone with an animal both me and the animal would die.
well i guess you know what that means.
keep me on lock down and never let me do anything.
i hear that solves it all.
she's a pathological liar/addict and needs help.
sadly i'm through with her and i'm not offering any of that.
she makes lies up about me and runs off telling people things that aren't true.
once she even accused me of sneaking guys into my room.
that room was also conveniently located on the second floor of the house.
people wonder why i have such a sad look all of the time and keep to myself.
it's the people around me. the way i'm always treated.
i don't know what it is i'm supposed to do to earn trust.
i'm never allowed the opportunity.
my mom is so fake and two faced.
she'll act one way to your face then another when you're gone.
she talks about how much she hates her boyfriend when he's not around
but then two seconds later she's bending over backwards kissing his a**.
like hell i'll ever try that hard to get someone to like me.
i think she wishes i was a child again because she's always nice to children.
even ones that she's never been around. children aren't born with halos.
the messed up thing is that even if i were a child she'd still be the same.
she might as well abandoned me when i was younger.
my granny was the one who raised me. not her.
she seems to think that she did though and brags about it.
i'm not stupid like her and i won't go getting pregnant at a young age.
i don't do drugs. i don't smoke. i don't do anything.
it was just so hard for her to take care of me when she first had me
but she did it all by herself. total ******** lies.
she didn't do anything for me when i was a child.
her current boyfriend at the time was always her number one priority.
the first memory i have of her is when she left me at home alone.
she walked off to the store and all i remember is sitting there
crying and wondering why she had left me.
she keeps so many things from me. important things.
i've gotten stuff in the mail about free trips around the world.
trips that would allow me to also get all of my highschool/college credits.
i didn't find that letter until a year later. opened. already read by her.
sometimes i really do hope something horrible will happen to her.
i don't know if it's just the sadness/anger talking right now but i do.
i wish she'd just go far away.
she blames me for her past mistakes.
if she once did it while she was young then it's a sure thing i will too.
my whole family is racist and it's a wonder i'm not too.
but then again i suppose people can't rub off on you if they're never around.
it's so pathetic that there's basically nobody i can depend on.
you can thank my mom for that too.
she acts like an a** to everyone and then i'm the one who gets cut off.
i can't remember the last time i got something for my birthday
that wasn't either from my granny, mom, or girlfriend.
everyone is so ******** up in their heads that we should join the circus.
well either that or a mental institution.
i honestly think that they'd rather see me with another female then a black person.
i suppose that's good though. i guess.
my girlfriend wants me to eventually tell them all about me and her.
i don't want another reason for my mom to look down on me.
i'm just some abomination who never does anything right.
this will be one more thing that makes me 'odd' and not like her.
i think everyone else besides her would be okay with it.
there's nothing wrong with truly loving someone.
male or female. just because i found it doesn't mean you have to ruin it for me.
yeah yeah. she says she loves him and they have their names
tattooed on each others necks.
big ******** deal.
people do that all the time. it's called being stupid.
they've broken up and gotten back together more times then i can count.
so i recently learned i have a half brother.
his name is anthony and he's 15 years old.
i've never met him or even knew he existed until a few weeks ago.
i might possibly want to meet him in the near future.
as for going out and searching for my dad. i'm not sure.
i don't really think i want to meet a man who has wanted nothing
to do with his own child and can't even keep up with child support.
it's been years since i've gotten a child support check.
not that it really matters much since my mom takes the money anyways.
i guess she didn't think telling me about my half brother was important.
i had to find out through a phone conversation with her and someone else.
i sometimes wonder what he looks like. how he acts. what he sounds like.
if we might like the same things. how he dresses.
and if he knows about me and has ever wanted to meet me.
i hear he lives in kentucky. i don't know what i'd say to him.
it's hard to think of something to say to someone who's
partially related to you yet you've never met.
i don't think he could disappoint me more then my mom already has.
i wouldn't care if he's mentally challenged, has a speech impediment,
and walks with a limp. he could be purple for all i cared.
i just think it'd be really neat to have someone else.
i guess i mean someone else like me.
i'd force my love upon him and be an awesome big half sister.
even if i am technically smaller then him.
i'd want nothing more then for him to like me and us to get along.
my uncle put the thought of the navy/air force/marines into my head.
the way he said it though. it could be a possibility.
train for 6 weeks then come home for a month.
i'd get to travel. do what i want. live my life without rules and being bossed around.
i wouldn't want to leave my girlfriend for long periods of time though.
i'd miss her too much. and i don't want her to miss me.
i'll stop with this subject since i'd rather talk it over with her first.
her opinion matters a lot to me. more then anyone elses.
update:
my mom just told me to get off my lazy a** and play the new xbox 360.
oh yeah. i forgot. video games don't turn you into a mindless zombie at all.
she actually used the words 'it will be a good change for you'
in the same sentence. i think she's smoking crack.
the first words that came out of her boyfriend's mouth were
'lets sell it. we need the money.'
i didn't even get to play the psp or ps3 much because they sold them.
not once did we ever need the money that bad.
i know where all of the money will go.
her boyfriend will spend it on one pair of expensive shoes.
if they don't get dirty after two weeks he'll sell them.
it's a never ending cycle.
yay for updates.
- - - - - - - - - -
yeah b***h. i went there <3
Community Member