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Suicide education and prevention.

Okay well, those of you who don't know my past... Suicide is a touchy topic. You can rarely make a joke about offing yourself around me without my eyes getting watery and me being pissed at you. Though this isn't the point.

So, at rehearsals last night for this challenge/competition hosted by CARES I almost shed a tear. They were talking about the most touchy topic in my life. Suicide. I knew what I was getting into when I signed up for this, but I never expected a speech. So, I leaned on Jazzy's shoulder and sniffled a little. That's me: Miss Icantakeontheworldandnotcry. I got into this because it was something that helped victims, the people left behind after suicide... It helped raise awareness.... It helped prevent suicide from happening for some people, so I got over myself and sucked it up.

Tonight. I cried twice, almost. Once because of a song that a girl sang... And as she sang people stepped forward with signs. Signs that read things like, "My daddy's dead, I won't ever see him again."

"My son died, I won't ever get him back."

"My friend and I planned everything together, but we didn't plan THIS."

"My Mom died, we didn't even get a chance to say goodbye."

I've got to ask Moni what that song was because it was a sad song to begin with, and putting those people in there... with those signs... It just broke my heart. I felt for those people, my eyes watered but I refused to shed a single tear because I had t go on stage next with my group just about.

Then the ending song, John, Sam, and Kate... all cried. It was another sad song. But this time I didn't even go all watery eyed until someone mentioned our last day together as a group. I thought about John leaving for college, Kate going back to her home country, I thought about a lot of things.... And then I went all watery eyed.

It was a touching experience to say the least it got me thinking all three times.
But what sucks the most is when you get home, and start to bawl like a baby while you still have makeup on. My eyeliner was running. But let me tell you why, the topic of my mother came up. Then the word suicide three times. Then an e-mail was shown to me, that touched me. I should find that e-mail and put it in here, so you know what I mean... But... all that I can say for now is.... It had a happy ending. Happy ending... God that's all I want.

But I don't get happy endings, I get drama. Repetitive. Redundant. Resilient. Rude. Rough drama. Just when I think I don't feel anymore, I feel it all. It stabs me like a knife through the heart, a razor to my wrist if you will. Not in the literal sense. Just when I think it's all over, the process starts again. I hate it. However, it's true.