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*sigh*
emo
well idk who knows this, but ive been single all 15 years of my life.
sweatdrop sad right?
i dont know whats wrong w/ me. i just could never seem to attract anyone except the ******** weirdos and assholes. 8th grade, apparently i uped my sex appeal tho, cause i had two boys and one girl that i knew like me.
one guy was an asswipe, and the other was a nerd (sort of). the girl tho, was my friend, and at the time she told me that she liked me, i was wondering about my sexuality. i told her no, and the more i thought about it, the more it freaked me out.
9th grade, however, she was in my English class. we'd grown apart that year, but i hated to think that id lost her as a friend, so i struck up a conversation. during the second semester, i had a dream that shook me like... like a bee hitting a giant flying pig (Invader Zim.. my lil bro is watching it as im writing this).
in the dream, my family had taken a vacation, and for some reason, she came with me. my family left and she and i were alone in a hotel room. we were jumping around and laughing, dancing to the blasting music, and screaming our heads off for mo apparent reason. suddenly, i fell screaming over backwards onto the bed. i started laughing hysterically, and she jumped on the bed too, strateling me and laughing. suddenly tho, the laughter stopped. i looked into her eyes and leaned forward. the kiss was really only a tiny peck, but it changed everything in the dream. she got up, and i followed. i left the room and the dream continued onto a different subject.
i told her about the dream, curious about her reaction. she found it unceasingly interesting, and asked how i felt about her and about the dream. i was extremely confused: hadnt i walked away from this last year? was my dream trying to tell me something, or was it just a gay fantasy? even tho i didnt know for sure, i told her i was interested. later tho, she turned it down, and i cant recall why, but i was disappointed, and again, we stopped talking for a while.
eventually, we realized it was stupid, and agreed to be friends, although i was still waiting to see if a romantic relationship could happen.
over summer break after 9th grade, she told me that she was sorting things out with her other friends, and that she was still interested in me. we began to date, and at first it was great. i dont know when things went wrong, but they did. she went into the subject of living together after high school, and love and gay sex, and at first, i was as into it as her. as i began to think about it, however, i realized the depth of the things we were talking about. i freaked, and pulled away.
it got so bad that both of us just wanted to end it. i think we might have for a few minutes, over a text no less.
we talked about it over AIM that night, and both agreed that we didnt want to let go.
my reasons, tho, were different than hers. being as i hav never had a relationship before, ive never been physical with anyone. now that id finally found a relationship, there was the possibility of that physical satisfaction that every teenager longs so badly for.
i told her that; that maybe i was just in this for the physical aspect of the relationship. she didnt want to end it tho, so here we are; struggling to figure out what we want, and its horrible for both of us.
i cant stand the thought that im hurting her, but i cant make a connection that im not sure about.
sometimes i think i just want a friend w/ benefits so i dont have to worry about a relationship.
ugh
well, ive gotta go think now. crying
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