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Jinx...
Wow I wish I was a better person. I wish I wasn't just some human torturing device. Sometimes I hate myself so much I cry till my heart cant take it anymore. I love him so much and my words are never ment to be hurtful. I really miss my fiance and I haven't seen much of him for awile. He's been really busy and I've just been trying to get through this week without him and I'm doing a horrible job. I tore him apart inside, I hurt him so bad his wings are torn and his soul is ripped to shreds. I'm scared it will get to the point where I'll distance myself from him just to keep him safe. It's so hard to keep him happy when he is working double time to watch out for others. I love him but I don't know how much longer I should submit him to being with me. Both of us are having the hardest time when he is conatantly hurt and under pressure. He sets himself to expectations that I wouldn't even dare to set and ends up over working himself. Like how he has to was his mom's car and kat's mom's car which seems ridiculouse to me when you can just send it through the car wash at Shell or whatever. He just makes himself do all these unnessesary things to the point where he is passed out bleeding. I'm not sure what to do, my undying love for him is constantly mistaken for clingyness and guilt trips. I just miss him and it's always a crime. It's like he always jumps the gun to the worst thing possible and shoots thinking I'm trying to tear him away from his friends when I just want to look out for his own saftey, or telling him I miss him and it being twisted into me guilt tripping him for not seeing each other for a little wile. I know he is busy I know he has school and friends. I just want some attention. I miss being held in his arms or his lips touching mine. I miss that and I feel bad for wanting it. I love him so much and every day I try so hard to be a great person for him. I do everyday, he makes me a better person, but at what expence. I love you Sam more then I will ever be able to show you and I'm so sorry for not being as good as you want me to be all the time but I am trying really hard every day just for you because I love you and only you, no one else.
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