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If only I could convey it all
I really am not sure what I need to write but I know I should. I have changed so much sence a year ago I guess 'm really not the same person, I can actually focus on whats important to me and I don't get so stressed out so easily. Sam and I have been throgh so much and he has endured so much pain I admire his loyalty to his word. I love him more then he could ever imagin but that seems to not be so obvios to him anymore. Awile ago when I told him I would fix things I was under the impression that I was the root of the problem so I changed. I became really careful of what I said and really thought about his needs before I jumped to any conclutions I even got better at being happy even if I didn't have the greatest of days. I don't tell him my problems anymore because it hurts him every time I do. I wish he knew how hard I'm trying to change myself into someone he can truely trust but it seems I've failed at that to. Homecomming is around the corner and my friend Tail accedently told her ex-boyfriend that if she didn't have anyone to go with they would go todether and she's dateless. Sam was going to go to homecomming with her if she didn't have date and I was ok with them going togeather but two things played into how I reacted. Numer one personally from what I know he hates big social gotherings of adolecents and evoids them at all costs and number two due to certain people being in a large confusing group of people in a giant dark room isn't exactly the most secure place to be. Now this really confused me because he seemed really thrilled to go but when I asked him to a dance he really didn't wan't to go. I guess just all together I'm confused and don't understand but he got the impression that I was jelouse in which case I was far from that. It's not that I don't want him helping his friends because I would quite willingly let him do so but I wasmore concerned about his safety. I guess it's not my job to worry about his safety but when your fiance is the kind of person who has 2 or more injuries at a time due to fights accidents or his own disregard you really get concerned. I really want to let go and allow him to do what he wants but a big part of me is so scared that one day the accident wont be so insignificant. So all togeather that has been a problem to the point where we don't communicate properly. For instance how when we were really falling apart and he told me I was really hurting him I fixed myself so I wouldn't hurt him anymore but he saw no effort of me trying to fix anything. I just really think he needs to know that I ca't fix anything if I don't know what is causing the problem. I really don't mean to guilt trip him and make him feellike he has done nothing to help because he has endured so much waiting for me to straighten things out. He has gone throgh so much pain regardless of how bad he was told to leave. I would never say he doesn't try, and I would never say he hasn't made sacrafices its just when he is sitting there telling me I have done nothing when I'm trying so hard I don't know what else to do. I just always feel like he will always hold the past against me and I just wan't to move forward. Right now he's outsidewalking aroundlooking for an outlet to all his pain and he is risking everything being out there in the open. It kills me when he's physically hurting because I want so bad to make it all go away but at the same time I feel ten times worse when I have failed to keep from hurting him. Today he told me I was like my mom and to this very second it's searing a whole straight through my heart. For as much as he hatesmy mom that is the most hately cold thing he could ever tell me and the fact that I resemble her to him kills me over and over as if I were stuck in pergatory. I don't mean to be cold or narrow minded in any way I just want him to be safe because he never looks out for himself but I guess I'm getting to thepoint where I'm suffocating him. From now on I will have to restrain myself from putting him up on that shelf and letting him stand by me with me knowing and trusting that he will watch out for himself for my sake. It just hurts so bad when I heard him compare me to my mom I don't know how I'm going to get over that, I'll probly just have to change again to try and prove that I'm not like that. I just don't want thoes words burning through my soul for the rest of my life. I guess it just felt like he was telling me I'm cold heartless ignorant shallow and arrogant. I guess I can only pray that he really doesn't think of me that was cause if he did I think I would die feeling like he's lying to himself by saying he loves me. Wow its 12:30AM I have to be up at 5 out the door by 6:45 and I probly wont get a wink of sleep. I love him so much I just wish he knew that I really am tying hard.
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