'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
Four reindeer just vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds by the Humane society.
His workers no longer responded to "Elves"-
"vertically challenged" they were now calling themselves.
Both the hours and conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by their union to stifle the soul.
Equal Employment had made it quite clear:
He had better not only employ reindeer.
So, Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
were replaced by four pigs-you think that looked stupid
all the runners were removed from Santa's sleigh;
the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA.
Besides, people had started to call for the cops
when they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
To demonstrate the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing for unauthorized use of his nose;
he went to Geraldo, and in front of the nation
he demanded a couple million in compensation.
As for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er a notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur.
This meant nothing for him, and nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute,
nothing to aim, nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored, or made lots of noise
nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that hinted being gender-specific,
nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets, they're bad for the tooth,
and nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
Half the reindeer were gone; along with his wife
who'd suddenly decided she'd had enough of his life.
She joined a self-help group, and left in a whiz
demanding forevermore he address her as "Ms."
So santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed.
He simply couldn't figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay,
but one has to be careful using that word today.
His sack was quite empty, flung on the ground;
could anything acceptable ever be found?
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
give to all without angering the left or the right.
An offering that would satisfy wino indecision,
each group of people, every religion.
So here is the gift, it's price beyong worth:
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth!"
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