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Do you know what I do when I'm angry or sad? I lock myself up in my room. Today it happens again. My family is angry at me. For kissing someone of the same sex, for ruining my schoollife. I can hear my mum yell at me and I shiver. I close the curtains to make it at dark as possible. The music from my mp3-player makes me relax and I start to cry. One of the reasons why this paper has black stains on it. I try to concentrate on what I'm doing. Slowly pulling the dagger over my arm, leaving a dark red stain. It hurts. The yelling of my mum fades away when I slowly lick some of the blood and I close my eyes. I want to die. I'm sure of it. The taste of blood drives me a little insane.

Yes I did that back then. I found this text in an old diary. I didn't really change since then, and the feeling of wanting to die even got stronger.

Somewhere in July 2005. A terrible schoolday. I hate the teachers and my classmates. I hate them. I'm sitting on the grass near the train-way. I want to be alone for a while. Dark red lines cross my arms and I can't look at it. I hear a train coming and automaticly react. The run to the train-way, The yellow lights coming closer, it didn't happen fast enough. A scream wakes me up and I freeze in shock. I felt strong arms around me, throwing me against the wall near the train-way. A boy yells at me. Saying I am stupid and should find a psyciatrist. I start to cry, not caring that the boy is a stranger to me.

That's when I met Julian. We were 15 years old back then. He is two days younger. Thanks to him, I could survive. Thanks to him I realized that dying wouldn't solve my problems. I still feel pretty ******** up sometimes. (sorry for the language) But dying is not an option anymore. Sometimes I joke about it, or dream about it. That still scares me sometimes but I learned to live with it. I feel better now. A lot better. The scars remind me of what happened and I don't want it to happen again...