I've learned so many lessons every day through my life, and I see that I'm nothing more than a waste of time, and breath. Nothing can justify the wrongs that I have committed. The worst- birth of myself.
Being disected and subjected to live a certain way according the the imperfect individuals makes me long a yearn for death. So I hold the cold steel blade to my wrist everyday and I cut deep; crying in pain for my pain to be eliminated. Yet no remedy comes to my rescue.
I always wonder if I'm secretly ******** up in the head or emo. But then i just subject myself to the appearance of others. I wake in the morning and I put on a fake smile and face.... I HATE MY LIFE. ITS ALL A LIE...
Still nobody listens to me, nobody notices me. And yet I get even more angry.... Why cant somebody love me? Why am I always forgot and taken advantage of?? What did I do?
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The guy that I recent like, prefers to chase after girls that don't want him, and I've openly shared that I love him. I even sacrific my body for his physical pleasures, and its not enough. I've dropped everything for him when he's ever needed me, money was never an issue, and time was never and issue, but when I need it in return its NOT THERE. He's not there for me. And yet he claims to hate it when I get emotional.
Everyday is still getting harder to bare.... getting harder to believe. It keeps getting worse. He pulls my heart out of my chest and crushes it, and its the same thing he's done all along and it hurts. I don't know if I should run, cry, hate, love, scream, or die..... Nothing. All I know is that I am trying, I try to believe in him I try to be with him for christ sake and it's just not enough. He makes it so so so hard to believe in him and to be strong for him. To be strong for myself.
And yet I say I care about him, but now as I count as the days go by, I slowly don't want to care anymore, instead all I do is long to die. I long for death to consume me and take away my pain.... I want nothing more than this cold steel knife to bury itself within my body and empty my being of all the pain and agony that I've ever suffered.
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I Know im incapable of ever being loved. Hell, Death it's self keeps taunting me. I've tried everything and nothing comes to me. I want to die. T.T Nothing can change how I feel. I cant have happiness, I can't be loved, I cant be intelligent, I cant be cured, I cant even die for christ sake. Whats my purpose, why cant I experience what I want? Why cant I be happy, why can't I find someone to care about me. he says he cars but it dont feel like it.
Instead he'd rather be with ppl that he 'love' that in return they dont give a rats a** about him. And yet I've showed him unconditional love, and still loving helps or conforts me.
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T.T This is bad, when all you can think about is death, yet he don't know the half of how I feel. I remember everything. I remember the first day we met, every arguement.... everything, and he don't know that I long to hear his voice, I long for him to hold me... I long to help him, and its not enough. I tried everything and nothing comes to comfort me.
It hurts so much that my heart beats cold in my heart, for he does not know my secrets. I stay in a dream world when he holds me and he doesnt even know. I actually found someone that I though there was more too and no my hearts so overwhelmed that I know that its all a dream. What I want for him and us will never happen... its al a dream and fictional. And yet theres such potential and such feeling there but its never going to happen.... T.T
....this hurts, he hurts my heart and nothing can stop that.... my heart and dreams are ending.
nd25607 Community Member 
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