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this is just a sum of the feelings ive had of late, but unfortunately for me, no matter what i do, who i talk to or anything else, they're the same. a short update on what's happened to me the past year or two, ive gotten my driver's licence, i work at citibank as a teller, I was enguaged, then chickend out because im an a** like that, and now im going off to college in idaho come april. comming up close, i know. Today Austin got his motorcycle and i cant describe how happy i am for him. yet at the same time i look at him so happy and i can only help but wonder if i'll be able to ever have a motorcycle myself? I mean, by the time i can afford one, it'll be a good 6 years, and even then its not for sure because i'll most likely be married with first or second kid on the way with my luck.

*sighs* I guess im just frustrated. As i look at everyone around me, it feels like they've already given me their final goodbyes, like im dead to them, that they'll never see me again, and when they do it's like "oh, you're still here, cool, but you're going, right . . ." and it's goodbye all over again. Customers at work have been saying that a lot, and a lot at work ive been disincluded because of me not being there, like, vacation scheduals, no, no vacation for me. I can understand that, i really can, but at the same time, it hurts being so disincluded from things.

I guess a lot of my life i've been lonely, and it seems that pattern will keep up at least through april, if not later. Sometimes as i drive, its scary, I wonder "if that car just happens to swerve into my lane and knock me off the road, would I die? Would anyone truely miss me? I mean, it feels like they've already said goodbye, it'd be a shame to dissapoint them . . .* Then again that might just be the depression of no money, no time, leaving everyone i know and love behind me and in escence starting a new life out in a state that i know next to nothing about, people ive never met and so on. I donno, sometimes i wonder if im really ready.I guess i just miss the times when life seemed simple as a kid. oh well, sux for me, im just whining, pay this no mind, its just a rant for the day~

Ashley-AKA~Pixie