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It's been nearly a year since, well, I lost my good, good friend. Not lost as in he's dead or something like that. Lost as in, he no longer wants anything to do with me. I've gotten over, I believe the worst of it, but there is really no way to know for sure. The pain I feel is very real, and I know most people who do read this will think to themselves, "baby," "she'll get over it eventually." Things like that. But maybe they should think back to when they lost a good friend, think back to how painful it was, how much you cried, or "just had something in your eye". I know it seems like I'm just holding on, but in reality, I think it's time I wrote this, mostly to officially tell myself it's over, and maybe move on so I can heal and try to put back my life and my world, so I won't be constantly reminded of him, every where I turn.
I came across an interesting quote. It's called Flow by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, I know it seems like I'm making it up, but I'm not. "Contrary to what we tend to assume, the normal state of the mind is chaos." Within seconds of reading that, my mind flew back to the memories of him and I, talking. He would tell me how jumbled his mind had become and of course, I knew I wouldn't leave his side, until he was happy again. I stayed for a long time, not because I had to, but because he was my best friend. He helped me so much, that it was my turn to return the favour.
Sometimes I thought, maybe he'd just be better off without me. And sometimes I'd tell him so, and he'd always respond saying that he wouldn't leave, etc. We were both pretty compataible together, and for a while, even dated. But of course, in the natural order of my mind, things started to happen, I panicked and pushed him away. Breaking his heart. Knowing that it was the last thing I ever wanted to do, I noticed him changing, not much at first, but slowly I became aware. And the dreaded feeling that I knew I had caused it. He, of course, told me that I didn't, that it was happening to him for a while. Ty, do you really think I'm stupid? Suddenly I felt like my world was turning upside down, that time would seem to freeze when I talked to him, the feelings I felt before always rushed to the surface, I would always get on, to see if he was on, he made my dad brighter.
Then one day, I took on too much and was overcome with stress and I got awfully close to a panic attack. And I snapped at him, I knew it was wrong the second it happened, and he told me he'd never bother me again. I felt my heart rip apart and even the pieces shattered. I begged him to come back, but it was too late, I had made my best friend hate me. The few months after that, I didn't want to do anything, I just stopped, I wished it all would end, that I could just....stop existing. My life felt empty and useless and just...utterly pointless. I tried to message him, but nothing ever came back. I knew the damage was done, that he would probably never forgive me. And I don't blame him, it took me a long time to forgive myself, until a few weeks ago, I woke up for a dream, I had seen him in my dream, but he couldn't see me, I saw how better his life had become, and even though that was probably a mild fantasy, I told myself that it was time.
I'm not meant to be the forever friend, but I do come in handy as a temporary one, here to help you when you feel helpless, then people move on, and suddenly I knew that it was better for him. As I was talking with Sammie another very good friend, she told me, maybe I should send him a message, explain everything and then that'll help. And it did, until I stupidly read his reply. And I know that I should just....delete him from a few other places, but I cannot bring myself to do that. And until I do, I shall never truly be able to just let go. But I know in my heart, that it's better if I am no longer in his life, his existance. I can only imagine how happier he is with his girlfriend. And maybe it's time for me, to just say one finial farewell. And so Ty, I won't ever bother you again, you don't need me anymore, even if I need you because sometimes, your own feelings, are something to be overlooked.
And so to my good and dear friend, I bid you adieu.
Thank you, for being my friend for as long as you did, and I hope, that maybe one day, you'll think of me and say, she was a good friend
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