I don't know why I've decided to use the journal tool once more on here being that my last one was when I was in middle school but there's just something about this that I feel has to come out and I can't keep venting to the same people. I know I should be over this by now but there's just some times that I have my weak days and I cannot keep up with the life I'm trying to create for myself now.
Ten months. It's been ten months since I lost the person I thought I was going to love forever. I'm 19, I know call me naive but you know there's just something that just makes you think it would be forever. My relationship was 3 years long. Three happy, hard, but blissful years. See I have this bad deposition to look at the good in people and cling to it. Was my boyfriend a bad person? Well quite ar from that actually, he was a validictorian, he was smart, funny, kind, sweet, and took no bullshit. He wasn't buff or anything but when I was with him I just felt safe. It was great to talk to him, he was my best friend, my lover and almost everything I wanted in someone.
You see, my family was going through a divorce spanning a long time that was really tough on me. I was damaged goods or anything but I had my scars that didn't seem to heal. But he was always there for me. He was so kind to me even when I didn't deserve it. I for some reason when I was younger, always wanted more though. I caused stupid fights to occur and no not all the fights were stupid but he was more mature than I in many ways. Yet he always helped me to realize what I did wrong and if he did something wrong he'd apologize too. We were the couple that everyone loved. I had so many friends in high school && when I went off to college it was tough but I still had them and we still made it though.
It was February just a few days before my best friends birthday and I was supposed to sleep over his house. Not just the night before we got into an argument but I wanted to show him that I wasn't the same person in high school. I was growing up and I hated ending any night not saying goodnight and I love you. So I called and I sang to him. Now my voice is not that of an angel but it was loving enough to make him cry and he's only ever cried three times in the three years we dated so I know I must of did something good right? We started crying in the midst of the song; Ed Sheeran - Firefly. Oh how I remember that night like it was yesterday. There was just so much that needn't be said between us not to mention at that point I was crying so much I could barely sing anymore. We ended the night with smiles and I love you's and I can tell you know there's just so,etching splendid about going to bed knowing that someone loves you and only you as much as he did.
]The following afternoon when he called I was so happy I started ranting about how I couldn't wait and how much I wanted to see him. And with just a deafining silence he said the words that I never thought I would hear. You can call me stupid but every relationship is different and everything... Everything just changes. That began a seven month tug of war of just trying to make things work and getting my life together. For when that day passed I lost every single friend I ever had in high school except for my best friend since elementary. I had to move back down and attend the same university as him. I had to endure seeing my old friends and being mocked, I had to endure the loss, the rapising of our friendship and love and the fall of it twice until he finally said he found someone else.
It's been two months since we help a friendly conversation it's been nearly a year since the friends I made told me they thought I was never good enough for him and as I press on in my life more tragedies just seem to want to destow themselves upon me. Car accidents, neary losing a job, moving, losing my family, money, school, so many things, I wonder where this strength to press on comes from and sometimes I just want to stop and wallow in misery again but when that occurred it made no difference with Father Time.
I lost who I was when I dated him and I had to frantically pick them up to find myself again. Everything my not be perfect now and healing takes more time than I ever wanted, but as I trudge on I force myself to look up. I've made other friends, I'm finding confidence in myself, and I learned a lot about how I approach love now. I'm not really sure how to end this other than the fact that this isn't over but it's 3:50 am now and I have work n the morning so though the tears I cried tonight writing this I look for the smiling ten time more tomorrow.
I also may have typos and commas missing but as I stated its 3:50 sue me.
