Well yeah...I guess for the most part Aozora is right. I don't want him to be though...not that I mind really...I just don't need him to be right about this one thing. Every word the man said was true...damn this sucks. I am so lost and confused right now....
Well I woke up in a bad mood. I mean I for the life of me cannot find me something to be happy about. This is the first time in a very long time that I have woke up in a terrible mood. I just feel so...worthless. I mean nothing I want to happen is happening. And I see a future that I don't want to see. It's like looking into the future and seeing your fate...but as we all know there is no way to fight with destiny. You see a vision, but no matter how hard you try, you simply cannot change that vision from happening. My future is....not with Khat.
"I have never been with a guy that was not 7497422559 348" Well if you look at that then I suppose you would be like 'what the ******** does that mean?' Well that was my response anyway...till I looked at the keypad of my phone. Hell it was like what, 2:40 something in the damn mourning? But even that late at night I can do puzzles..its easier to figure that 7497422559 348 is "Physically Fit" Me and Khat always talk late on the phone. Hell we basically go to sleep with each other. I think it's like...the coolest thing ever. I never stay on the phone that late. Never could with any other person. Just her. It's our thing...or at least I would like to think so. I mean she says I am the only guy she could ever do something like that with, but How am I to be sure? In the same light, how can I be sure she thinks I am a good choice?
Hell it is obvious that me being overweight is indeed a issue. But like I keep saying...it's not for a lack of trying you know! Hell it's hard loosing weight. But dammit I thought I was doing good. I was like 172 in the beginning of the school year...now I am 155. Big deal right? WRONG! It means absolutely nothing. As I figured out, I can only begin to see results untill I hit about 142. And that will be something that only I can notice. Can you even begin to think about how much that truly sucks! ******** thats flippin' disheartening. Damn. And to be doing all over a girl is pathetic. But my motivation has changed somewhat now. I am starting to think a tad bit more strangly about things...
Don't get me wrong, I want things between me and Khat to work so bad! But I can't keep jerking my self around you know? It is completely ignorant to think that I only can stabilize this relationship. Sadly enough I am willing to submit my feelings, but I don't think she can. So what the hell is a fella to do? Detatch. I cannot hold my self to her in the same way I want to unless I see that she can fully accept me for who I am. I took this ring that her ex b/f gave her because she kept wearing it. She knew it pissed me off, but she kept putting it on. Then didn't know why i was getting so damn angry. So I think I am going to give it back. I have a certain mindset right now So I wanna see what she is going to do. Whatever happens I will not sway anymore. I don't think I really have to anymore.
One thing about being in a relationship with Faye was, I knew she was my girl. It was certain feeling that we had you know? And I knew when that feeling was gone too. But with Khat, I haven't gotten that feeling yet. We have the titles "Boyfriend and Girlfriend" but the feeling behind the titles is nonexistant right now. So I think it's best I take some advice from Aozora and Merciful and not get involved just yet. I fell pretty hard and like Aozora said, the girl never really leaped until everything was safe. She just watched. It makes me question alot of things.
But it doesn't change my feelings for her. I really care about Khat, alot. But if I don't slow down then the future is going to crush me like a bug. So yeah I am gonna go one day at a time with this. It's time I chill out and calm down. I got too much to think about right now. And I seem to have lost all focus. So yeah, I am going to stay calm...before my future becomes really dismal...
 Rayne Virus DeMone · Sat Apr 30, 2005 @ 10:37pm · 13 Comments |
