Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

this is a recent convo i had with meg. this is the realization i have made

peter god made it so i could go on that day, and u too
god made us meet
he had the future in mind
he made my life suck
he made me create derek
instead of killing myself
he made me lie to you
he made me love u
he made me lose you
he made me want u back
he made me lose it all...
he had his fun...
and now u know wuts left...
since i cant do derek anymore
the other choice has been appearing every day
but i fight it
i dont want to be his puppet
i dont want to be his play toy
ill live
ill learn
ill fight it
atheists were created by god, to see what would happen, if someone didnt believe in him
hitler was made
to see
what cold blooded
prejudice
looks like
in its truest form
he made serial killers
those creepy ones
that stalk our nightmare
to see how sick man can be
hes found out alot in these billions of years
but hes not gonna learn any more from me
ive come to that realization
im going to live no matter what...
im not his puppet
ill go with maggie, ill move on, hes learned wut he wants, but i will not be tossed aside
thats my side
it makes pure sense, no matter how strange it is

meg: well i believe in fate
whats meant to be
what you know could happen
i believe it was fate that we met
it was fate we would fall in love with each other
and as time went on
it was fate that we wouldn't ever love each other again
u would move on and find someone else to b happy with and so would i
peter: i dont like the idea of having ur life already mapped out
but thats
meg: and with all the what if's
exactly
like my side
meg: but its no god or spirit
its just life
peter: all those what ifs could habe happened
u never know whats gonna happen
if life is mapped out
ahead of you
meg: its not tho
its only mapped out after the fact
peter: but thats what fate is
fate is having a pre-set life
you know the sims?
the sims 2
meg: sure
it lets you play god
but
with the point of view of a human
u never want a preset character
you want to make one of your own
one that matches ur desires
not the games
the truth is
the game is god, not you
you have to defy it
hence cheats
you use them to bypass life
u cant use them in rl
or we thought we couldnt
if u come to the realization that u dont wanna be lifes puppet
i can avoid those nasty things uve got stored
they dissapear completely
gods brain gets all confuzzled
why?
cuz he cant read ur life anymore
your truly a free agent, able to make your own choices
your condemned to limbo this way though...
no heaven or hell
you gave up on them
when u die, your soul will not go on
there are many people who are like me
who im going to be
think about it
i mean
those people
ghosts
are
only people
who have had
tragic lives
they realize whats going to happen, like i did
they dont want to be his puppet
instead of going to either heaven or hell
you wander
your soul wanders
making choices forever
go the world
learn things
never able to tell anyone
god wont ever know
because
u cant
be debriefed in heaven
this all sounds like nonsense, but its true
ive let fate do its works now
but ive given up on him
ive broken my string
i can do
w/e
the ******** i want too
I CAN SCREAM TO THE SKYS
******** YOU!
and there w
will not be
consequences
im 13, and im free
im no longer chained down
my string,or chain, or w/e
has broken
i didnt know i could be this deep
but think about it
IM ONLY 13
AND I KNOW THIS
AND ITS NOT STUPID
THERE ARE FACTS TO PROVE
millions of facts
im 13, and ive joined the secret religion
the one no one knows
they only know how to worship the puppet master.
My name is Peter Silva. Im 13 years old from Massachusetts. And I'm free of the puppet master.
I am free from God.

Once upon a time, around last summer, I met a girl named Meg. The meeting was on the internet. I kind of liked her after I got to know her, so I lied to get her to like me, a desperate attempt that could only prove to be disastrous. I knew that, and I took the risk. To her I was Derek, the 16 year old from england. I was really Peter, the emo 13 year old with no chance for love in the outside world. All of my class mates hated me just for being me. As time went on, the relationship grew. I found myself fond of her deeply, until pretty soon, the inevitable happened. I fell in love with her. She was my one. I couldn't stand watching her believing the lie, dating this non existent Derek.
I did the right thing and told her the truth. She took it too well... she forgave me, and I knew I had to let her go. Months went by, I tried to move on, but the love remained for her. I talked to her for the first time in months, only to find out about Tim, the handsome skateboarder who woo'd her in my absence. When that news hit me, my heart ached. I yearned for her love again, and I knew it could never be. I had commited emotional suicide on myself. I knew it all could have been avoided, had I been straight forward with her, and truthful from the start. She was but a year older than me, we could have been toghether happily, to this day, but I ruined it. The love of my life is out with another man because of my foolish incompetence... and I hate myself for it. I have found new love since this, a beautiful girl called Maggie, but the place in my heart for Meg is sealed. No one can replace her in that part of my heart. Till the day I wed, maybe till the day I die, I shall think of her. I shall think of what once was, what could have been. I shall never forget you Megan Gagnon, this is my emotional suicide letter, I shall not die physically, but the love is there and can never be. The girl from New Jersey that I shall remain deep friends with till the end of time, never to be more than that like it was. I love you Meg, and I miss you.

~Peter