I don't know if I'm the only one... but sometimes I get this overwhelming urge to destroy something beautiful... to ruin a masterpiece... to spit in the face of all that is elegant. Today I was at a concert and I was watching these people play. I was backstage, watching... waiting... trying to contain myself. I had some driving force trying to push me to go out on the stage and just ruin their show. Then there was a time when I was at an art museum and all that I wanted to do was knock down every painting and sculpture that I saw. Maybe I just do this as some odd subconscious self-destruction. I say this because every time I sit in a car with my cell phone, I feel like there's no controlling this feeling like I need to throw it out the car window. Or, in other cases, I feel like smashing my guitar, or breaking my computer. Sometimes, I even feel like I should leave my girlfriend... just so I can see myself in pain again. I have no idea what is wrong with me. All that I know is that I have to control these urges because a "normal" person is supposed to want happiness... and I do on a conscious level, however there's something deeply seeded into my psyche that commands me to run myself into the ground. To get myself into trouble. To make myself miserable as I possibly can. I need to talk to my psychologist again :/
 VoidScourge · Thu Jul 09, 2009 @ 06:00am · 0 Comments |
