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God dammit, just ******** kill me... like NOW~! |
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how the hell could someone just lead you on making you think they actually care for you and then the next moment you buy them a gift.... but shortly after they tell you they really don't love you... I have no idea how to cancel this online order... =
This ******** hurt...
this is why I trust no one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTnq268y2ms
Depression is a beast and a shroud of pure ******** emptiness.... I'm tired of this s**t, tired of people, tired of lies, betrayal, and the list goes on and on... never ending.... I certainly wouldn't think twice if the world ******** collapsed in on it's self tomorrow. ********, it's already going to hell in a hand basket now. am i suicidal... no... am I going to start cutting myself and popping pills? no.... I just want to die.... but who ******** cares... just some dude online going emo... *laughs lightly* I'm sick of the drama... and I'm sick of the lama.....
Peace all... I do love you...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6JwtEfa5Xk
 Darren Lee Panther · Wed Mar 12, 2008 @ 05:53am · 1 Comments |
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I have something to admit..... *shudders* |
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This goes to all the people who know me irl and are really good friends of mine on Gaia.
After many failed relationships and missed opportunities with people out there, I have come to the conclusion no one would ever care for me in a loving mutual feeling. Because of this long standing feeling of rejection I turned to the Sonic community and I made a character named Tails Power. He was a black Fox that looked just like Tails from Sonic except he had a red head band and neon green shoes. eventually my art developed in to a direction that was sonic art, but more furry. I started looking at the furries thinking they were weird but made some cool art. for years I stayed like that, loving the art and looking in at them. In the time I have failed in relationships with 5 different people. This did not help my feelings or my self worth at all. and Then one day my brother introduced me to a simulator called Second Life. It was here I had a hunch that I would find a tone of Furries, I was right. Don't ask me how I figured by never playing in the sim before, I just did. I noticed one thing about the furries, they are very friendly (most of them that is). They really make one feel welcomed and not hated for who they are.
So I decided to venture into the furry community a bit (but never ever taking it too far like fursuits or some crap like that) and I became a fox furry in my Second Life. Time goes by I find and meet more furs I like and enjoy, particularly one. He made me feel calm and at ease about my self, he treated me like no one else has ever done before. Eventually he went from being a friend to a extreamly close friend. Then finally it developed into *pauses and shivers* more.
I Loved Him.......
He is my everything.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm now done with the opposite gender when it comes to my heart, on top of being a furry. I'm now gay. I said it... for ******** sake *dashes off and kicks a door open to leave*
Darren Lee Panther · Mon Aug 20, 2007 @ 09:55pm · 9 Comments |
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Now i have to job hunt and make a living like a normal person. The drive home is going to be a hard one, especially when you just about broke =P
so i have to take of s**t like now.
Darren Lee Panther · Mon Jul 23, 2007 @ 05:40pm · 2 Comments |
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I had a best friend from middle school through high school. He now is on my s**t list. I looked up to this friend, I'd even take a bullet for him.
I had a GF, I loved her very very dearly and I would have went to the ends of the earth fo her. In fact, I did. I joined the Navy So she and I could have a wounderful life afterwards. I loved her so much I wanted to be the bread and butter. She'd have to just be herself and learn her guitar. But right before I shipped out for bootcamp she crushed my heart to the p[oint of no return. Months go by and I finished A School and I'm at a blace on a base called TPU. I get a PM on gaia from her to that she wants to talk. We get to talking and I realize I still have feelings for her.
It then becomes decided that we want to go out again and I love her all the same, and all is well. My bestfriend found love too with another girl, he was very happy.
Then one day my best friend loses his GF because she cheated on him. I felt sorry for him and I wanted to help in every way.
Then the day I get the letter to goto my ship arrives, I depart for the middle east in September of 06. I come back slightly disturbed and in need of comfort. I call my GF who i previously asked to marry me. and something happens when i needed her most, she leaves me and bombs my heart one last time. I'm devastated and cried for 2 whole days. I loved her so passionately, I wish it could have been shown alot better.
I go out and back from sea a s**t load of times, life passes me by.
Get a PM from some guy on Gaia.
Actually decide to call him to see "WTF?"
It's my best friend.
He back stabs me and betrays my love and trust in him after everything we been through for the girl who destroyed all the love in my heart.
where is the 1-800-suicide hot line?
Something I can never have.
Pain
Darren Lee Panther · Tue Jul 17, 2007 @ 03:44am · 6 Comments |
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Well a year and 5 months have gone bye since I've been in the Navy, and Now I getting out honorably. (THANK ******** GOD, I have an early out.) I Hate that place with a passion. you know we have a phrase for the Navy:
Never
Again
Volunteer
Yourself
N.A.V.Y.
This July 19th I should be getting out and starting my normal life again. I originally joined because of love, and I had deep found feelings for that person. But in the end all I got was heartbreak from them... TWICE. I'm done, I should have trusted my instincts in that I just shouldn't ever plan on being in love. Just won't happen to me. I simply wanted to fordge a better life for the both of us, and I was the one that got burned and sent to the middle east with out the support of the heart.
My plans are simple now, trust no one except childhood friends. No More falling in love again. As a matter fact I keep asking why I come back here to Gaia. I hate this place. anyways back on track. I want to goto collage and get a major in English and be a teacher for students.
Current Mood: Sambur Sadness
Darren Lee Panther · Mon Jul 16, 2007 @ 07:15am · 1 Comments |
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Man, what a weekend. I'm still on hold in the navy barreks and i went out over the weekend to Florida to see my beloved GF. I'm in the airport right now *sigh* and my heart hurts right now. I mi8ss her so very much. I was extreamly hard to say good bye knowing i could be gone up to a year. I won't be able to hold her the way I have been. I won't be able to look her deeply in the eyes and tell her I love her. The navy life is a rough life. crying
Darren Lee Panther · Sun Aug 06, 2006 @ 05:07pm · 1 Comments |
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28APR06
well, been a long time since i wrote in the damn thing.
I'm now in the military. it's weird how things work out, I swore up and down I'd never do it. I, need this... to find myself..... this is a journey and adventure. some of us dream of these kind of things, and some of use Role Play it. I went for it, alone....
my supposed "love" left me the week of christmas. right now, i'm with out love and support. I said it before, i'll say it again.... I stand alone, we all do for the most part in the end...
there is a point when we need to "let it go" and move on....
now, I signed my life away. I'm expendable and I have to be willing to sacrifice my life for your freedoms. the soil of this planet is is tainted with human blood. So are the seas too.
my life is now on the line, and it will be so for the next 4 years.
I'm here for yourprotection.
Darren Lee Panther · Sat Apr 29, 2006 @ 05:20am · 2 Comments |
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Lost Angel? Cold and Alone. |
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Well after long last I have found the one person who mattered most to me. Out of one small open time frame in that month I stumbled across my angel. The one person who would restore my faith in people and my thoughts and beleafs in love. I felt something I known (oor thought wouldn't come back.) my grey world returned back to color. I had found my love, my dearest sweetheart... my angel. Valorie. I found out she was what I needed to get my motivation back and my want to do better and excel in life. I had found my perfect match and I was happy again... so very very happy.
But like everything else good in my life, it will still be the most wonderful thing I will ever have in my life, and it will be out of reach. As always this is a strain on both sides with long distance and it puts both sides in a test of will and loyalty and above all else trust. For some reason my angels undieing love for me was proven to me through her loyalty and ability to more then truthful with me and to each other. I'm sorryif this seems like rambling, but throught her actions through Gaia and on the phone. The endless nights of talking and loving one another and being able to laugh, joke, kid, and other thing amoung that also. This has lead me to my total faith in her to be truthful and honest with me. I love her so much. and we both are taunted by each others love and through situation it prevents us from meeting as soon as we want.
one of these things is the fact that I have joined the Navy and will ship out on Feb 5th and i won't be back until the begnning of July some time. With this new found information I was going to have a hard time dealing with all the burdens of being a military dog with out seeing or touching my motivation... my untouched angel... I have yet to feel your comforting lips and the warmth from a cold reality of Devils and Devilkins. I had to see her, I MUST SEE HER!! I planned on seeing her in January before I left for boot camp. *snarles* I will not let it end like that before I go. I am her shinning knight and she is my gaurdian angel. I WILL DO WHAT EVER IT TAKES TO SEE YOU!!! heart I'LL EVEN WORK DAY LABOR EACH DAY TO MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO SEE YOU!!!
Oooh but how crule fate can be....
Due to recent events I am now fearing the worst for the very well being of my gaurdian angel. A hurrican known as Wilma impacted her very home and she got the worst part of it.... since saturday I had stayed up day and night getting sick and my body could barely function... I couldn't miss her PM to tell me shes alright (considering my phone is now disconnected because I couldn't afford it any more)
and this will be the first and last time you will ever hear or see me say this, I am scared... I am very scared for her well being.... What the do I have?... I can't depend on my family I feel... shes the last I hope I have.... she is my everything... this pain has decayed at me on the inside... cry *looks at her picture in his hand* Please Valorie.... come back to me safe and sound.... Please be alright... I had promised you I will lift any and all suffering for you.... please oh please be okay.....
~Damon
I had it all... and now it feels like it's all been taken away......
Tails_Power ยท Fri Oct 28, 2005 @ 1:11 am
Darren Lee Panther · Fri Oct 28, 2005 @ 07:11am · 4 Comments |
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What if:
[1] I committed suicide:
[2] I said I liked you:
[3] I kissed you:
[4] I lived next door to you:
[5] I started smoking:
[6] I stole something:
[7] I was hospitalized:
[8] I ran away from home:
[9] I got into a fight and you weren't there:
What do you think about my:
[1] Personality:
[2] Eyes:
[3] Face:
[4] Hair:
[5] Clothes:
[6] Mannerisms:
Other:
[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you love me?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Would you ******** me?
[13] Would you marry me?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are we close?
[33] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
Tails_Power - Tue Jul 12, 2005 @ 3:12 pm
Darren Lee Panther · Tue Jul 12, 2005 @ 09:12pm · 2 Comments |
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