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It seems like every one (mostly family) knows exactly what I should do with my life. I'm sad that no one has really brought up what I want to do, and had anything positive to say about it. So many contradicting voices in my head telling me to do this and that. I just end up with a picture of how I want my future to be, and a enough reasons against it to block out the sun. As well as my happy picture. Here's how it is...

Dad: Never went to college or university, but was very successful in the business world anyway. Everyone around him had a degree, and would ask him where he got his from. Lots and lots of shame and resentment build up there. So of course he wants me to get a degree, except that's not the kind of education I'm going for. Finally, maybe a month or so ago, he accepts that. So now he suggests that I go to Malaspina, which is (surprise surprise) is near where he lives. Either that or trinity (a religious college that has none of the programs I want). I haven't been phoning him much lately, because I know he'll bring it up. I'm getting pretty tired of that crap. Oh, and I don't even think of telling him any of my personal plans (he was supportive in one conversation regarding it, I want to keep that happy note on the subject).

Step-Dad: Kinda scary, but he's the best for educational advice. He doesn't really care where/when I go to college or even if I go. He just wants to help me make the right decisions for whatever carrer I want to get in to. When it comes to my personal life, however, it's different. I guess I'm a little childish about it; he tells me things I don't want to hear, but I know he's right. He doesn't have to even yell to make me cry, I do it too well on my own. There's only one thing we really clash over, and that's me moving out this summer. It's not the general concept of it that he has a problem with, but the idea of me moving out and still living in the same town. I agree it's a waste of money, but I don't like to place a price on my sanity. The two main things we fight about are, 1:my room, my stuff and where i put it, personal space (these are mostly because of my mom being...herself), 2:staying overnight somewhere, which i haven't been able to do since grade 7 or 8.

Mom: I really don't know what her problem is, exactly. She's very supportive with getting together a hope chest for me, but she panics when it comes to anything other than my cooking and cleaning skills. She relies on my step-dad to make all of the decisions...but oddly enough, if we aren't talking to her about it she throws a fit (even though she'll have no idea what's going on).

Boyfriend: The sweetest guy it the world, I swear! He wants exactly what I want. I seriously can't think of a single difference. The only problem is all the negative thoughts put into my head by my family (true as they may be). They cause me to hesitate, and try to think more realistically. Yet, I can't exactly pour out all of my doubts. I don't want them to trouble him as well...on the other hand, reality must be taken into consideration. *sigh* How can you tell someone that love does not conquer all, when they have no reason to believe you? I hate that stupid expression...all it can do is make us stronger....I hate talking about my thoughts on love, they're very hard to express. I'm not all that bitter, I'm just trying not to make any obvious mistakes...to protect us both.... ... ... ...I really don't know what the ******** I'm talking about.

Maybe I'll write about what I want some other time...not now.