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Am I to be forever lonely
As I barely hold on to my last hope of life?
Yes,
It is you,
The one I held so close,
And yet am so far.
Like a puddle,
I show up and you come to me after the rain
For me to be your reflection for such a moment.
You look,
Yes,
But do you see anyone but you?
Do you see me?
If you do, am I acknowledged?
If I am, do you stay with the devotion of Narcissus?
No,
Not for long.
You go off and find more puddles,
Bigger,
Deeper,
Clearer than I.
I try to reach out for you,
But alas,
I am under the surface,
I can't break free
And grab you.
We are so far.
We are so distant.
We are so awkward.
I can't shout out to save me
From this utter
Empty
Lonliness.
Now you have found a pond
And this puddle is not needed.
I was myself and drew your attention.
But it was short-lived.
My flame went out like a candle in the gust.
We grow apart.
I try new
More bizzare things
To make you see me.
You look at me with disgust
Our distance grows
My soul cries out
My heart shatters
My eyes become the ocean themselves
And memories flood as deep
Like nightmares
They keep me awake at night.
I try to be more like you
Hoping common attributes will close the gap.
Even if just a little.
But now is almost too late.
Your pond is your new life,
That puddle is drying up.
You stop by to check and see if that puddle is still there.
So hard I try to get recognition.
The lonliness in my self so vast
I feel it consuming me into the darkness.
Inescapable fear.
You ask if I am fine
So delighted I am to hear your soft voice, some lonliness dies away.
I want so badly to speak of my longing and pleads from my soul
But if I do, I risk hurting you.
I risk seeming clingy.
I risk pushing you away again.
I describe to you a grand fairy-tale
In which live happy colors
Smiling people
Laughter floating everywhere
Sunshine and flowers
Mass beauty
Constant peace.
Such fairy-tales.
You then leave
Thinking I am grand
Envying my happiness perhaps.
What lies.
As you walk away the lonliness returns
Sending reinforcements
I wish to scream "Wait" and cry into your arms embracing me in such
warmth and comfort
But I can't.
I can't scream.
I can't cry.
I can't be held in your protection from myself,
From my insanity,
I fear one day I'll snap.
And if I do,
Will you be there in time
To rescue me.
My never-ending yearning to tell you this secret must remain only in poem.
Never must I tell you my true feelings.
Never must I come forth from the shadows.
Never must I do anything but sit, wait and respond.
Never must I participate.
Never must I hope and wish and pray for such "fantasies".
Never must my heart ache in your presence.
Never must I scream for your love.
We're so far apart now,
Would you even be able to hear it?
Even if I whisper it in your ear?