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Dear readers,

Its happened...It finally happened. What I didnt want to happen to me again...Happened. But I do hope it doesnt change who I am and scare off my friends like it did last time...What am I talking about you ask? Heart broken. Yup. I have been heart broken again.

Thanks to some random person who was friends with Cor Darkaus's suposidly girlfriend told me everything. I do thank her a lot. And to Dark's friends in real life and my own friends for trying to warn me for what might of happened. I should of listened to them. I really should of. Becuase denying there statements of what Dark's reputaion of relations ships...I wouldnt be were I was now...It hurts me...A lot. Im shaking right now from the pain I delt with...And right before Valentines day too...But I need to be happy on wensday. Its my friends birthday so I have to try my best to not break down in pain and sorrow on her one day of the year.

I was talking to a good friend of mine and this is what I replied with. This is how much I care:

Moe

I would SO hug him and stuff...But its at school...And that stuff isnt allowed. Unless it was outside of school...THEN HECK YA! - And Im just to scared...Its like I told you before...I have been getting weak. (Possibly because I havnt eaten anything in the past 2 days. ._.; ) So I cant really do much of anything. (Again.Almost fell down the stairs today. >.> wink

That letter was my only sence of courage! Whaa! Im so emo right now. T-T I cried many times today because everybody was going on and on about how wonderful there V-day was and that people got those kisses things...Its the same as every year....I have nothing...And I was really hoping that Donovan would get me something...But I jumped to conclusions the day BEFORE v-day...I cried the entire day regreting what I did...

But its just not Nugget, its Kate and all my other friends. Everybody is so negitave to him...And that just makes everything worse for me...Becuase I know that he is a great guy...Have you ever had anybody turn on you because of a friend's reputation or apperance? Thats what is happening to me! T-T You, Darolyn and Mrs.Barios are the ONLY people who noticed how sad and depressed I was. Kate only gave me a hug and said "get over it. He's a jerk." Nugget just went "Its my b-day soon!" And everybody else just ignored me...You and Mrs.Barios actually tried to do something...Darolyln just talked to me to cheer me up. (Which worked a little)

If he were to only talk to me...A simple Hi or something...That would brighten my day because then I would know that he doesnt hate me...Getting the silent treatment is making me this way. Because I know that he isnt happy...And him not being happy makes me feel ever worse. When you told me that Savana (Sp) told Donovan that the letter was a break up letter...It just tore my heart even more....I cant trust anyone anymore these days...Because they'll just get mad/jelous and say something that isnt true.

Megan...I love him more than anything in the world. ANYTHING. I would die for him if givin the chance. But with all the romance anime and real life romance that happens in the school...I learned one thing...that I will break if I have too...Its not always the girls job to fix everything...It takes two people to fix the problem...If Donovan isnt trying...That means he doesnt like me anymore right? He might be scared to come near me or something...I just dont know anymore.

Even if we cant be together again...I still want him as a friend...='(

Im so full of hurt right now. I dont want the lust inside my heart to overwelm me again like it did 2 months ago. I really dont! I almost losttwo friends from that. And they are the best friends you can ever have. But now...I dont know...What if I actually kill myself like I said I would...I just dont know anymore...I really dont. crying Why must men toy with a girls heart and break the dreams that we have?

I want to cry. Cry so hard to make the pain go away...But I cant cry. I havnt cried for real for 3 years now...Im still shaking...Im making a lot of spelling mistakes and having to go back and edit...I am really hurt...

For those who have done SO much for me and wish the best of luck to me...I thank you...But it did nothing...Absolutly nothing...I know I am loved by my friends and some of my relatives...But seeing how everyone has a gf/bf now...some of them including my friends...It hurts me inside...I dont think I'll be healed for a long time...

Next time my friends warn me...I'll belive them no matter what...

</3 `I L L - The broken hearted loser... </3