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sooo
for anyone who's reading this that doesn't know, i love this guy from maine, told him maybe a year ago, he said he only loves me as if i was his sister, we're still best friends.
ok.
so today he tells me his friend talked him into going on a blind date with allegedly "one of the best looking girls in school". on valentine's day. mark never dates. he's very cautious about girls, i guess. something about not wanting to turn out like his father?
anyways. so he's like "now i have to make reservations at some restaraunt before they all get booked". i dunno, it's just really hard to be hearing this from him. sure, i told him that i prefered he didn't keep things like that from me, but it hurts. the man i love deeply is going to spend valentine's day with some girl who's prettier than me that he doesn't even know, while i'm here in michigan all alone eating from a box of chocolates that my mom gets me every year.
i know he doesnt' want to hurt me, and it's his own business who or if he dates, since he's not my boyfriend. he's just my friend. he doesn't have feelings for me, and of course he's going to date whoever he wants. i'm just so confused about how i'm feeling, how i'm supposed to feel, what i'm supposed to think of this.
all this time i was hoping that someday he'd develop feelings for me, and that's all i had to hang on to, but now that another girl is finally coming into the picture, i'm feeling crushed. that hope i had was all that got me through the rejection. and now i'm beginning to realize how foolish it was to hope that.
i keep wondering why i'm not good enough for him, maybe that i'm not pretty enough, but then i get mad at myself for thinking such a thing because i know mark isn't shallow like that.
then i think i'm getting all worked up over nothing, because it's just one blind date. how many times has a blind date lead to something serious? she'll probably end up having no character and the date ends up being a flop.

sooo much confusion. why is it that when i finally experience true love, it's not returned? i'm probably never going to be happy in this area. watch me turn out to become the crazy cat lady. domokun