I've been thinking a lot lately. Like, is there any point in all this? Why do I continue living? Lately, I just can't seem to find a purpose. My grades aren't as how I would want it to be, but, I'm just getting tired of it. Tired of meaningless schoolwork and school itself. I don't see the point in homework or essays. And why should I live? All my mother does lately is just randomly call me, even if its 11, 12, or even 1 am to tell me how she can't make as much money in the craft fair anymore and how we're not going to be able to foot the bills. Then she guilt trips me. My school tuition, my living costs, fees etc etc. It was her decision for me to not get a part time job. It interferes with school. If this keeps up, I might as well just drop out of school. Sure, graduation is a few months away, but if I drop out, I save my mother figure person 5 grand and I don't have the school stress anymore. I'll be able to focus on getting my license and then, get a full time job. I'll be able to pay the monthly $300 dollars that I use every month for food and misc necessities. If I dropped out and got my own job, I may be able to save up for my own place to live in, pay my own internet, maybe even get fancy and get -cable-. Maybe I can save up for college in japan. All my mother bitches about is how expensive it is and uses my ambition for higher education as a tool, a leash, a whip to bind and subdue me.
I'm getting tired of it all. I can't even muster the creativity for art. Everything feels so forced now. I'm going back to cutting, except instead of my art, its my wrist. Sometimes I'm tempted to cut deeper so I could draw out some real blood and not just angry red welts. Sometimes, I just want to die.
What is the point in my living? My mother has told me in the past to just die. She has repeatedly said that I was a ******** up, a disappointment, a hopeless child, fat, ugly, screw up, can't do anything right, and that I am weak. I'm spoiled and I can't be like other Chinese kids who sacrifice themselves and their personal life to help out their parents in the craft fair.
I told my mother, 'we need help. i want a counselor. we need a therapist' and all she said is that she isn't crazy and I'm just sick in the head.
No.
I'm sick of life.
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Sora's Journal
The Online Diary of an Eccentric young and dark artist with her occasional outbursts of joy over the trivial matters of her pitiful daily life..
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mayaki Community Member 
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Immortal Complex
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The Mareep Community Member 
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Inquire in the Japanese Embassy's website to find more about college scholarships. Several of my friends have gone to scholarships to Japan, time spent there ranging from ten months to three years. They were able to take part-time jobs there too. English tutors are all the rage there in Japan.
Just a few more months of High School and you will be able to qualify for this wonderful opportunity.