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Okay, if we're not that good of friends, then you won't get this. Unless I told you the horrible thing that happened to me over the summer. Yeah, I'm a broken record. I'm a lot of broken things in one pathetic package.

So, WHY I feel guilty. For what I did. Well for what HE did, but it's all the same.

Because. . . When he came back on, it had been a while, and I had missed him. And when I saw he was on I was really happy, yeah, I missed him. I miss a lot.

But he sent me a PM. Saying how mad he was. How sad he was. Basically yelling at me for whatever I did. And I'm still not so clear on what it was. . . Or IS.

And he said, "How could you?!" . . . "Go after my brother?!"

Which I didn't. But he was so mad I was really scared, of course. I saved the PMs, I saved all the ones from him that day.

But recently, I deleted them, cause a year was torturing to still love and cling on to him so much. And I thought I had to get over him, or I'll get worse and worse.

And NOW, he came back, just as I was at my personal lowest point of depression. It's wierd, cause when he came on, was A DAY after I told my friend I was at my lowest, and she told me to "go up." And then he came on, and I was so happy. I just think it's wierd, the timing and all. Even check her profile! And the PM! The dates match up!

And now I wish I didn't. Cause I have nothing to keep me faithful or something while I wait. Well I don't even KNOW if I'm waiting! I just sorta think about him and expect something to eventually happen. Is THAT waiting?

So there. I feel horrible. He came on once more, before he left and did what he did. Just one thing he sent to me before he screwed up my life. He just yelled at me and made me feel. . . What now? GUILTY. He made feel GUILTY. Like a stupid f*ckin scorned child.

And one of my best friends said, "cause hes a stupid immature BOY".
And I said, "But I love him. Even if it's for being a stupid immature boy." [This is on AIM]

HE makes a big imprint! He left a mark! A bruise on my conscience! I don't see HOW he could feel SO STRONG about what he said! - Enough to. . . To DO WHAT HE DID! . . . And NOT mean it! If it made him do THAT, then how can it be a bunch of immature boy crap?! WELL?!

So yeah. HE came back. Yelled. Told me how BAD he felt. Then left. And tried to. . . Well YEAH.

And I cut myself yesterday. Because I was feeling the latest: guilt, misery, hurt, and emptiness.

But it wasn't a cry for attention. Or for death. It was just. . . me needing some other pain on the outside rather then the inside.

So I have the scar, closer to my elbow. To remind me just how horrible I feel. It helps, right?