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Ah, the irony in life.
So I finally decide to log in on my Sesshoumaru account and read the last message someone sent me after our fun game with one another hand to end. Both of us were posing at these great guys, mine based off Sesshoumaru with my own personal twists and additions to make him seem like a real man living somewhere, and her, doing the exact same thing, although I thought hers was much more convincing considering she actually had a PICTURE of 'him'. Anyway, she confessed about the lie first, and I just laughed, I mean I was dissappointed but it was also painfully amusing, mostly because it's not the first time it's happened to me and secondly because I was pulling the same stunt and she felt awful about lying to me and what not.
And since she cleared the air, I confessed that I was doing the same, well she didn't take it as well as I did and now wants to cut off ties completely, which saddens me a lot really because we had a good RP going on between our guys and I really looked forward to it when they interacted, they were the perfect pair. But apparently she finds it too painful to even try to mess with again, and that's understandable, doesn't help that we're both pretty selfish people about most things, although she's a bit more needy and self-doubting than I am, or made her believe I was.
Still, I'll miss all the fun times we had, that's honestly the best pair I've ever found for Sesshoumaru, and I don't think I'll ever find someone so perfect for him, or someone with such awesome writing skills to interact with on that level, besides my other online friends whom I don't get to Roleplay with at all anymore hardly, which is why I resorted to Gaia to try to get some of that Roleplaying needs out through other people and rarely did I find anyone who could come close to comparing to my friend's and their skills and relationships between their characters and mine. I have found a FEW, and some pairs have been made that work much better than the ones I had with my other friends, but it doesn't seem as satisfactory to me, possibly because I know them so well and above everything I want their acceptance and respect in me and my characters I've worked so hard on developing, their personalities, appearances etc.
So yeah, some insight into that and some sadness, but the revelation with that girl was slightly relieving to me because I felt so awful about lying and pretending like that, I don't like lying, or decieving, it leaves me with an awful feeling but it was so much fun, that lie, I didn't want to let it go but I dreaded the day she would discover it, she's smart, I'm shocked she didn't suspect him sooner. And it was hard having to always come up with new lies to feed her and others to make them believe I was who I said I was, and some of what I shared were real life experiences, such as my teeth problems, my love for dogs, my knowledge of Wisconsin that is right next to where I live and I visit it a lot to see my relatives and the Weapons company, that my dad actually works for, United Defense.
I really envy the man I created for her, he was just so perfect, MY ideal man, but he was too good for a woman, that man she made was his ultimate match, I would really give anything to be that person I made, he's my true idol, my envy, something I know I'll never even come close to. My opposite of almost everything I am: Confident, successful, independent, strong-willed,strong-minded, reliable, a strong pillar of support to lean against when you have nothing else to rely on in the whole world, although I am selfish like he was when it comes to things I want, people, objects, etc, I don't think of others as much as I used to, and wish I could, sometimes I try but when you are unhappy with yourself and your situation, it's pretty impossible to reach out to others yanno? And try to help them when you aren't stable yourself.
I'll get there someday, to my goals, sooner hopefully than later, I want to move out, move on with myself, and be an indepedent strong woman, a daughter my parents can be proud of, and myself. But I'm scared, that's normal I suppose, afraid to use my degree to get a real job and use those skills that I already feel I am forgetting, afraid to move out on my own and live on my own in the world, though I hope I can find the strength to endure it and become a normal functioning member of society.
Wow it's late, and I have to get up in 7-8 hours to take my poor dog out because I fed him early because I thought I was going to go to bed at midnight instead of 3, HA! WRONG!It's 3:05 right now!ta ta!
Lena
Note to self: Never EVER made a thread in Gaia after you've 'gotten off', it clouds judgement and makes people think things of you that you don't want them to, yeah, I mentioned furries and masturbation and wow did I get flamed, although I didn't describe it well enough, I was still on a high from orgasaming. sweatdrop It wasn't furries I meant it was those..muntant animal people I used to draw!I don't KNOW what you call them, so I called them furries cuz I couldn't think of the exact term people use!..Eitherway, I got turned on when someone posted pictures of these humanoid animals ******** hardcore and seeing the pleasure in their faces and the bodyparts connecting in intercourse just made me in the mood!!..gah!..I've been so horny lately!It's not funny! I NEED A MAN!! I need to stop being so shy and sub-concious about my imperfect body and just..GET ONE!RAWR!LENA DEMANDS SATISFACTION!!!! domokun Ahem, yeah anyway. stare
Another Note: INTEGRAL IS AWESOME SHE IS MY NEW IDOL AND I LOVEEEE ROLEPLAYING HER ON GAIA WHICH IS WHY I HAVE NOT LOGGED IN ON ANY OF MY OTHER ACCOUNTS!HAHAHAH SHE OWNS!!! heart IF I WERE A DUDE I'D SO DO HER!... heart .No I'm not Bi....I don't think...
 The Lena · Mon Nov 20, 2006 @ 09:09am · 0 Comments |
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