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Something happened that shouldn't have happened last night, and I feel horrible about it, my hands are shaking as I am writing this so bare with me if you see any typoes. I'll try to catch them as I go. Like I said, I do things that I never want to do, and I feel horrible about it, because last night, I questioned the faithfulness of my fianceé (in gaia) and now she won't even talk to me. All I could ask for is for her forgiveness, and her acceptance. She never questioned my faithfulness and I only proved that I am not ready to trust people, and I want to so badly. I want to trust that people are telling me the truth and I want to be able to believe that without a single hesitation. Without a single trail of thought leading to a false conclusion.... I got to go so I'll see you later

(continued)

I know I can trust people, but I've hurt many times because people misplace my trust, they misuse it and take advantage of me. I am not the kind of guy who loses his temper or gets angry, or holds grudges. I am not the kind of person who makes a generalization of people in comparison to my past.

Frankly, a small part of me still doesn't want to trust because of that fear of pain. We all live through pain, but that little part doesn't want anything to do with it, because it has seen it too many times before. Why doesn't it realize that times have changed, people have changed, and there are people who are worthy of trust, and there are people who will hurt me. Why can't I let go of my past, please tell me? I know I can be truly happy if I can let go of that, I know I can full heartedly open myself to people, I know I can be stronger.

I know I need help with this, and I have seeked help through a psychologist, through group therapy and a specialized group class. That little part refuses to give it up.

This is not an excuse for my actions, Candi, I am truly sorry about that. I just want us to be ok again.