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God, I feel really down for some reason. I'm not depressed, I don't think, but I just feel down. Can't even think of something to post in my RP.
I have some serious self-bashing issues.
Yeah, I just need to get stuff out of my head now.
I can't believe I can't think of anything to post in my RP. I feel so uncreative. And I have a couple of projects to do. I'm probably gonna let down Angela since I can't live up to doing my work in groups outside of school. Damn, that's gonna bring down our Algebra grade... We can't even get a good subject, and it's due next month. Dammit. I wish I could stop bitching so much, cause my friends apparently find it annoying, but I can't keep my feelings pent up, or I'll go into a really severe depression, and I don't wanna do that to myself again.
God, now I'm starting to sound selfish. I don't wanna be selfish... Damn, why must I self-bash? It's getting me more down...
Ugh... My head hurts. Well, not really, I just... Well, I have a headache sorta, but it doesn't physically hurt, I just think that I'm stressing. I wish I could talk to Leanne or Kathy in person. They're the only ones who I can talk to who get me.
Now I'm wondering if my parents really do think correctly or something, and I'm just being immature... Cause they're older and stuff. I don't know, maybe some stuff only makes sense because I don't think correctly or something... Then again, them being older doesn't make them know more. They went through different things. ...Am I sounding like a little kid? Iunno, maybe. :
Damn, I just think way too much... If I were born as a different person, maybe my parents would love me... Well, they probably do, cause they're my parents, but they keep telling me I can't be their daughter and s**t if I don't follow THEIR rules... Damn, no one will believe me on that part. I'm serious when I say it... Or maybe I just sound bitchy? Does everyone go through the same thing? No, wait, that sounds bad too... UGH.
Jesus, this bitching is longer than most of my RP posts. That's pathetic. I complain too much. Gah... My head, my head. I wish I don't have to get older, I like being a kid. What if I turn out like my parents when I'm an adult? Damn, I half hope that I'll die before I get to 25 or something, cause I'd rather stay a kid for eternity... And now I sound like Peter Pan. GODDAMMIT. I wish there was something like a magical genie lamp like you see in cartoons, cause I know I'd wish for the ability to control the aging process. That way, I'd be able to keep myself a kid forever. Or my friends, if they wanted to. They don't though, so eh.
I... I wonder if any of my online friends really like me... Jesus, that's one of the stupidest things I debate about in my head. I mean, for me, if I've never met someone, I usually... No, wait. Even when I've never met someone in real life, I still get attached to them. Not naming names.
Like my big brother! Damn, he's the nicest big bro out there, but I still wonder if he really would care what happens to me in real life. After all, he only knows me online... And he has so many online siblings, so am I just another person? Jesus, Jesus.... My friggin head hurts. Am I just being an attention whore? I don't know.... I know I'm not jealous of his girlfriend though. He asked that once, and I'm sure. Damn, I just feel like I'm not special. I'm just another person that they talk to to keep busy and everyone else is more important. So I HAVE to be so... Attention whore like?
Great, now I'm back to the subject of my lil cousin. Damn, everyone always go ga-ga over her! Damn it, damn it, damn it. I'm just a pathetic little piece of s**t who has to be jealous of a four-year-old. Psh, everyone thinks she has the cutest little "Japanese doll eyes" according to my parents... If she looks so much like me, why don't I remember anyone crowding over me? Why were my parents always out working instead, and gave me a nanny to raise me instead? Christine get everything, goddammit! My whole family finds her adorable, and it's always, "Gina, why can't you be more like Christine? Why can't you be polite? Why can't you keep fit? Why do you always embarass us?" etc. etc. ******** it. Now I'm crying. God, everyone pays attention to her... I swear, if all my friends met her, they'd go crazy as well. Why does she have to be so ******** cute to everyone else?! Why can't I be the one the spotlight is on, when it's a positive thing?! Dammit, everyone pays attention to me only when I do something wrong. Jesus, first time I got straight As in my life, "Ok, keep going." My cousin gets straight As, "OMGWTFBBQLAWL YOU'RE SO SMART!! Gina, why weren't you so smart when you were little?" Because she ******** does things like 1 + 1 = 2, ******** it. I was SMARTER when I was little. Big deal, she pushed open a slightly opened door to a open house when I was outside being emo. Ooo, door, so hard. I could do a lot more when I was little. But no, nobody was going to see that, since they were all at work. Christine gets the life I wanted to have. She has a big brother, the attention, and the adorable little sundresses that she points out while in the ******** uptown mall.
Well I'll be damned, that's a lot of ranting. I'm just a jealous little b***h of an attention whore. *waves hands around* Pay attention to me, dammit!!~
*sniff* Ok, I'm a little calmer now. I think.
Gah, never mind. Now I'm gonna rant about how my parents never let me do anything when I was little. Yeah, I could always watch the Simpsons and Buffy the Vampire Slayer when I was four, but no, I couldn't go to Karate or Ballet or Gymnastics or Art class. Now they say I never wanted to, and I would cry if they made me. Well, excuse me, aren't I the one who actually remembers things? Wasn't I the one crying on the first day of PreSchool because I didn't want my mom to leave, because I didn't have any friends? Wasn't I the one who remembered my dad slapping me cause I wouldn't stop crying, and he kept at it cause I wouldn't stop anyways? Am I not the one who has devoted half her time to searching for things she wants to learn at a low price, because her parents b***h so much about the price of lessons, even though they're loaded?
Damn, I don't want to take ******** piano or violin! I don't want to take ballet anymore! Or gymnastics! The only thing I'm sticking with is Karate and Art! I want to learn Capoeira, but no, there are no classes for kids! I want to take horse back riding, but no, my parents dont want to sign the slip cause it's too expensive and they dont want to be responsible if I fall off and paralyze myself! I want to take fencing and kendo, but no, it's apparently too violent, a.k.a. they don't want me to know how to use a blade!
Oh wait, no wonder I can't take any classes that has to do with fighting. I already know how to hurt them, so why would they give me more opportunities to learn more powerful attacks? Right?
Ugh, I can't get everything out... I need my friends to talk to.
Ok, I'll just stop there then. If you actually read through all this, you either a) like to hear people b***h, b) have no life, or c) actually care about what I have to say and what's on my mind.
 ll SilverLeaf ll · Sun Oct 08, 2006 @ 03:13am · 1 Comments |
