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Damn it! . . . This is all Alex's fault. . . I was perfectly fine before and now I feel like a complete mess.

See also: Hopeless
See also: Empty
See also: Alone

Ever since Alex brought her up, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her. She was already on my mind, but not like this, not like she is now. I could get to sleep at night easily and now there is this intense sense of longing. I still get to sleep, it just takes me longer. I lay awake and just think. My feelings for this girl haven't changed because of what I was told, but they have been brought to the forefront of my mind; the last place I need an impossibility.

Anyway, one thought led to another and I began to think about future relationships and **GASP** Marriage. Yes, I know, how utterly romantic.

See also: Pathetic

Every psychic has told me either that my marriage would fail or that I should not get married. Now, I assume that this is due to the same reason all other relationships will inevitably fail, my inability to communicate. I've also been told that I will be the one to file the divorce papers. Well, this brings me to an interesting thought; if I do, in fact, file the divorce papers do I still love the person I married? Which would be worse to stop loving someone you felt strongly enough about to marry or to still love that person and just know that it could never work out?

This whole experience has made me worried. Their is this book, Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk and one of my fears is becoming the main character of this book. (spoilers!!!) The main character is a sex addict (that’s not the part I'm worried about) that seems to have this overwhelming desire to be loved and cared for, to the point where he will go to great extremes (although he says it's to pay the bills/make money). See, when he was a small boy in a dinner he choked on his food and everybody gave him attention; everybody "loved" him for that very moment. Now as an adult he goes into restaurants and deliberately makes himself choke on the food. He hasn't moved past that little boy that choked in the dinner. (I'm only on chapter 16 of 49, but that is the impression I get) In fact, most of the characters in the book seem to be stuck in some moment of their past and they are all really ******** up because of it. That is what worries me that I will get stuck or am stuck in some moment of my own past. That their is some roadblock that I will not be able to get over and that that roadblock will ******** everything up. How does one even overcome a roadblock that is embedded so deeply into one's own psyche?