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Once you accused me. I'm sure I deserved it.
You accused me of being in neutral.
Why don't I move forward? Is there even a reason why? You must be wondering.

Well there is a reason why. And I don't see that reason changing, but it has a name - Jamie.
There is only one place I can stay and still be with him now. I stay in this place where he last was on earth, for I do not diserve heaven. Even undeserving of heaven, I am still better than my parents. I will not abandon my son.

You could give me the powers to make me feel secure. You could give me eternity, to suffer in this place so I never abandon him ever, but I know you won't. Not if you knew the truth. You want to help me, but I am too broken. I want to be helped, but not if it makes me abandon him.

Now you've said you love me. And that scares me, yet I've been able to see that against all odds, you are vulnerable too. You asked me to my face, if I ever wonder about the people I hurt... The ones that I hurt in an effort to protect myself. Well the answer is no. Not until now.

And what am I to do?
Which would hurt you more? Staying with me in this place of pain and suffering until I die a mortal death? Staying there for eternity? Me driving you away? All I have to offer is hurt. But against all reason, I love you. I don't want you to hurt.

I am trapped in my past. I am trapped in my present, and all these things, I can scarcely tell myself. Although you deserve to know, how can I tell them to you? Why do I love you? Why do I let you in? Why is it mutual? You want to heal my brokenness. But I don't know if you can. I don't know how to let you. Most of all, I don't want to hurt you.