|
|
|
I forget about Gaias journal feature. It's more of a personal use for myself. But goodness. Looking and reading back, lots has changed. Wisdom teeth? Removed. I saw the boy I wanted to see, met his family, told him I loved him, then we amde things official between us, he met my family, I chose marriage over mission (thought I was going to marry the guy), moved to Montana and worked on a ranch, moved to Idaho and worked as a line cook, broke up with the guy and moved down to California and went back to school and got a good job at Disneyland. So much has changed.
NGL, the breakup really hit hard for me. It was painful and traumatizing, there was a lot of miscommunication and misunderstandings, and on top of it all, I was not okay personally. I suffer from MDD, which is major depression disorder, and anxiety, and I wasn't getting the help I needed. I didnt have a grip on myself and I feel that personally effected our relationship. So once I got to California and was on the edge of suicide, I finally called the kaiser hotline and got myself help. I started going to cognitive therapy, group bereavement therapy, and seeing a psychiatrist. I still do all those things and I've gotten a much better grip on my depression and anxiety thanks to doctors and personal grit. I honestly don't think I would be alive or well right now had I not called a hotline and gotten into the healthcare system.
Being single for about a year now and living independently has been good. I feel I've grown significantly. I cut off and donated my long locks of hair and had a bob, then I shaved it off and I've kept with a short hairstyle. It's currently blue. I've made really good friends and reconnected with really good friends. And I feel solid in my current plans and situation. Coronavirus has made a lot of changes, locking down cities, shutting down stores, closing college campuses, but I honestly can't complain. I had COVID-19 already and it wasn't terrible, I survived along with my family, and it's freed up a lot of my time. Disneyland is shut *shrugs* so I've been at my parents house visiting and next week after finals, I'm taking a trip to Arizona and spending some time with Tyler, my friend Hayleys older brother, whom I've been talking to since NYE. He wants to make us official but I'm honestly not ready to commit to a long distance relationship. I'm not about to leave my job and education when I've finally gotten myself back on track. For the first time in my life, I've been putting myself first, and it feels good. So no, I will not relocate to Arizona to date a guy. And I honestly wouldn't want him to relocate to California to date me. His career is more important, as is mine. I will not be the cause of someone elses resentment and regret, nor will I allow myself to get into a situation again where I resent or regret being with someone because it side-tracked my life. I have already been down that path, chasing a boy all the way to Idaho and committing to move to wherever he would end up for his next school program, whether it be Texas or Ohio or wherever. Been there, done that, and we aren't even together anymore. I'll be clear with this statement: I do not regret or resent a single moment spent with the man, not at all, not in the least bit. It was a learning curve and led to growth on both sides, the love was pure and true, and it was good. we had just reached a point where I could no longer grow in the environment I was in and I NEEDED to be let go to get my life back on track. and now that it's back on track, I will not be pulling it back off track for a guy or anyone until I'm accomplished and am who I want to be. And even then, I won't be changing the track of my life for someone. I am my own person with my own life and I simply will not conform around someone elses life and loose myself to that.
katissokewllike · Tue May 12, 2020 @ 07:08pm · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|