Oct 6th, 2019
This year, I turned 25. Kind of a big deal, after all, I can now say I'm having my "Quarter Life Crisis" whenever someone tries to diminish the anxiety I'm having. Of course, that only makes them roll their eyes but whatever.
But my grandmother was busy on my birthday. The 2nd fell on a Wednesday this year, a night she has dialysis (which she would kill me for mentioning if she ever found this post), so rather than go out that night, I decided it would be nice to have the family together and go out for dinner. Great idea, right? Just push dinner over a couple of nights so every one can be included.
I'm not doing that next year. Next year, she's not invited.
I don't care anymore that my grandmother is sick and has been for years. Tonight was not ******** about her but she made it about her in the worst possible way. I wanted to go out for ramen and since there's a nice little Ramen Shop nearby that's where we went. I made a teasing comment near the end of dinner to my grandmother that if we're gonna keep the dogs out of the expensive (no fat diet food for our boy who has Pancreatitis) food we need to keep the door to the room it's in shut. How did she respond? What could she have possible said that was so bad?
"I can't seem to do anything right. I should just go out to the garden and slit my throat."
Forget the fact that she can't control her volume as she's going deaf and practically yelled it into a crowded restaurant. Forget the fact that we were trying to have a family dinner. Forget even the fact that tonight we were supposed to be celebrating my birthday. What kind of person says that to their child and grandchildren? Who says that? Who does that?!
I was furious and upset and all I wanted was to send her home because, and I know this will shock anyone who actually reads these things, she actually believes that she reacted appropriately, that this was totally okay. She doesn't understand why I'm upset, that I'm justified in being upset, and she actually is angry with me for daring to call her out on her bullshit. Her whole life she's played the victim. "I was a single mother raising two kids and I managed a roof over our heads. Why can't you?" (when discussing why I can't afford my own place), "Well, I lived through ____ and I don't have anxiety", "I'm sick every day of my life, I can't even put one foot in front of the other" (when I ask her to throw her chewed gum in the garbage rather than leave it on the counter 3 feet from the garbage can), and of course, her many veiled suicide threats.
I've had it. I have resented her for so long which is awful because she is actually dying. She will never get a kidney transplant because of the fact she's had cancer three times but I can't stop the fact that I resent her. I hate her attitude. I despise the way she talks to me. I've absolutely had it with the guilt trips and emotional manipulation when I have done nothing wrong and tonight just took the cake (no pun intended). She is never going to wake up and realize that she is entirely in the wrong. She's never going to acknowledge how much she has hurt me, my brothers, and my mother, and she is never going to admit that we were right about her behaviour. And I fear that she is going to die before I can stop resenting her because of the way she treats us.
Note: Writing this out definitely helped me sort out my feelings but did not make me feel any better. This whole situation is bullshit.
Girl_in_love61636 Community Member 
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