 |
How I Got To This Crappy Point
So I guess that I am just going to muse on how I have failed over the past couple of years. It is really sad doing this on my birthday but you know I guess that I have to do this because things are getting worse for me. There are a lot of things that get me down. For instance, there is the fact that I have a hard time walking up and down stairs. I am not sure when that happened to me but that is one of the most frustrating things about my life right now. Especially since I have a two story apartment so I have to walk up stairs to get to my bedroom. I am also in a two-story apartment so I have to walk up stairs to get to my apartment. For so many years I was on the first floor or had an elevator. I do not know what would have happened had I not had these stairs.
My weight is probably the one thing in my life that makes like the hardest for me. I mean I guess it has its perks. Right now I am so fat that one of my cats can use my guy as a place to lie on me freeing my hands up to play video games while I lie on the couch. However, at the same time, it has made playing computer games very difficult as the keyboard does not sit in a good place on my lap. Then there is the fact that I had to get an all-new wardrobe. For years I worked at home so I could just wear the crappy small cloths but now I have to go into an office. I have actually had to get two sets of new clothes My first set is actually starting to get too small for me.
There there are all the problems that I have with my body acne. Because my body is oddly shaped I randomly get gigantic exploding bloody pimples. It is very upsetting, I will just be standing there and I will look at my shirt and there is a huge bloody spot. Then it stings like a lot. That is terrible. My brain is not as working. The worst part is that I will not even feel the thing pop I will be standing up turn around and there will be blood on the floor.
Then there is my... I guess I will call it sedentary pain. I have yet to find a chair that I can comfortably sit in for more than an hour. Maybe not a bad thing but when my butt hurts so bad that I have to stand that is a problem. Even works It will help grow the pimples or more likely sores on my butt. Which also explode and are bloody. Now even worse I cannot indulge in sleeping because my back hurts after 8 hours of sleep. Add that to sleep apnea, and sleeping is difficult. Especially since I cannot sleep without my CPAP anymore. Another sad depressing thing about my life.
Then there are the everyday humiliations. Not being able to get out of my car in some spots. GOing to the city is a real embarrassment since the spots in the city are so small. I have actually had to wait for people to leave before I could. Then there is the fact that I do not fit into most cars. I have to ride in the back seat of the car when my mom visits or I visit her because I cannot fit in the front seat with my gut. Then there is the smell. The simplest things make me sweat. Which smells bad, and I know that I smell terrible no matter how much I shower. It is not a matter of if I smell it is a matter of how bad. Not to mention all of that stuff that comes from having difficulty reaching places. So yeah my quality of life has gone down.
I guess I just need to get this out in the open I am hoping by cataloging this and getting it out in public... kind of... I might be able to start making the change so that I can get skinny again. I might add more as time goes on... but... I am not sure if I will. I can catalog all the things I have done to make this happen.... but that really means nothing if I cannot find it in my heart to change them.
|
 |
