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After a heavy conversation with a close friend, I was made to admit that I'm afraid to live up to my potential. I always knew I was afraid of failure, but to frame in terms self-actualization was a new and interesting perspective. It's more or less the same thing, but living up to one's potential usually comes with a "paradigm shift" in how they view the world.

I've jokingly said that I never wanted to be famous. Maybe well-liked with beloved properties, but me, Brett, never wanted to be the center of attention.

Anyway, actually putting the work and getting to a new level means leaving things behind. As much as I am afraid to put myself out there to potentially draw only scrutiny and criticism, it terrifies me a great deal more to risk all that and lose the few comforts I do have. I don't mean my personal space or belongs. I mean my friends. The handful I have left.

The few connections I have left and maintain and rock ******** solid. If I lose the wonderful people I have left, I'll truly have nothing. I grew up isolated and ignored. That old hat of not being black enough for the black kids and not white enough for the white kids, blah, blah. We've all heard that story before. But that cliché aside, being an outcast made me bitter and it was hard to connect with people when one's instinct is self-defense. I've always got an insult right under the surface. It's no way to live. But despite myself, I grew close to a few people.

I've lost many more to rot of loneliness and depression. If one isn't themselves when depressed, but all that really are is depressed, then who are they? I didn't know who I really was until I realized I enjoyed the company of the people I synchronized with. There aren't many more left, and I miss old friends dearly. Dreadfully. But, it's about time I moved on.

My greatest, for lack of a better word, is trigger is loneliness. I'll spiral and dig and plant myself in a deep, dark hole if I'm alone too long. The idea of ascending to some new state where I've realized my potential only to find I'll be doing it alone is daunting. If I make it to some new heights to find myself all alone all over again, it'd be the ledge from which I leap.

The reason I don't feel I can take my friends along with me is because they aren't the creative types in the same way I am. I have a few I can discuss media with and really digest a show, movie, or comic book. I have friends I can discuss philosophy with and current events. I can even discuss the implications of 20 meter tall fictional robots waging war. I have a righteous group of friends! But for all their ideals and aspirations, none of them want to create. They don't want to pour everything they have into telling a story that honest to them and reflective of their values. So, it is something I'd have to do alone. I don't even know any poets and words are so important to me.

Not every bruise, bump, cut, and scrape leaves one stronger. Surviving a trauma shouldn't be a metric for strength.

If anything worth doing is worth getting hurt for, does that also include mortal wounds?