Most of the time you're able to think that you got over it. Probably you're able to convince yourself of that because most of the time you do your best not to think about it. You get lost in your job, or find a new book, or turn off your mind while crocheting or beading things... And then at some point the question comes back to bite you and it's like the kick in the gut.. Do you feel loved? Now first of all it's a good thing I was born with very limited emotional scale because if I didn't I would end up in loony bin ages ago... The simple answer is no, I don't fell loved. By Grandma likes me because looks at me as some kind of policy for the future, she counts on me to take care of her daughters when she's gone. As form my so called parents well first of all they were never shy in admitting that the need me because they would need someone to take care of them when they're old, also my hysteric mother needs an audience so... She also seems to be very glad of the fact that when I cause trouble to myself I'm independent enough not to bother them with it - it gives her the excuse to brag about her amazing parental skills to her friends whose kids it so happens are in bigger s**t than I am. Probably because they do feel loved and secure enough and know that if they screw up someone else will be there for them to pick up the pieces - if only I could have this kind of confidence... Oh wait actually I do have it and that's where screw up really begins. It's my aunt who's neuropsychologist and to whom I'm somewhat of a pet science project, each time we talk I see in her eyes one question "when will you snap at last?!" because she's worried about me? No - because she wants to shove it into my mothers face. Sibling competition is such a heart warming thing... Well everything starts with family but it doesn't stop there... All my bosses teachers and such liked me because I get the job done and don't bother them unnecessarily... My mates from school and at work do like me because I'm good at figuring out how to make work easier and I help out others when I can also in making the bullies go away and leave them alone... Friends - well I don't really have those at some point I thought I have but it was a mistake apparently I was only liked for the usual reasons only needed more often and to bigger expense... "Significant others" wee there are three groups ones who go "WOW look at this figure wanna make out?" or ones who go "You got great brain why don't you help me out with this research?" or once who go "hey you're great girl such a great character and all let's be friends!" "Friends" in definition "you give it your all to be there for me but don't count on me being there when you need something, after all you can take everything on by yourself that's why we are friends". And the most depressing thing is I can't really fore myself to hate people, I tried but still they're just to interesting and all in all don't really bother me that much... Until I start to think of how much I give and never get it back because let's be honest what goes around does not come around at least not when you deal with people...
All right and now let's get back to not thinking about it because we already left all that bile and hurt behind us didn't we?
Spark of Water · Sat Feb 18, 2017 @ 11:25am · 0 Comments |