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It is sad to think that I will cherish the memories from my birthday this year, but I will be the only one to do so. It will be a private joy instead of a shared love. I keep making myself cry at this thought. I am a little heart broken and it turns my thoughts to negative things like analyzing my other friendships and how broken they are or how my relationship with they boys is so fake. I doubt they see it that way or that any of my friends think they are hurting me, but that stupid dark side nags me to tears. It's not even their fault that I'm like this. I forget it in the morning, but I don't get why I would want to punish or hurt myself. There must be something that I've done or motivating me to keep this type of behavior.

Right before my birthday, March 10th, my mom and I got into a really big fight. I quit my job end of February so start of March I have been looking for a job, but I've also been really social. I had a list of things I wanted to prep before my birthday trip to LA and my mother was really frustrated with work that particular day. She saw me eating and watching a show so she assumed that was all I had been doing all day while she was having a s**t day. She was calm at first but then repeated her question about my job search to erupt at me. That day the internet was out so I couldn't do anything. First time she asked she was calm but when she repeated it, it was like she forgot and got hella pissed. I was at the end of my straw with her nagging EVERY DAY (literally) so I packed my bags for my birthday stuff (already half packed) and I grabbed overnight stuff to spend the night at my brother's place for two days. I went from his place to my bestie Christy's house. I only went home to pick up my Dad to get a ride to the airport. I was set on moving out at that point. I didn't want to see her again and I didn't. Before my birthday we didn't speak.

It was a really big deal and I was suicidal after the fight. I cried all the next day and slept a lot. They comforted me but didn't fix me. Christy kind of fixed me. When I went to her place I was only 40% sure I was even going to keep the LA trip. It was ruined in my eyes. I had bought special lingerie and a toy and planned a lot of things to do in prep. For me, it was a huge thing to have the PRIVILEGE to crash at my cousin's place. I had not seen her for four years, basically since right after my suicide.

When I got home from the trip, my mother kind of acted like nothing had happened and was hanging out with our neighbors. She said sorry and created a nice environment by not pressuring me to hug or directly confront her. Towards the end she hugged me and it was mostly alright. I mean it would remain to see if she could hold her tongue or not, lulz. But yeah, my world felt like it was ending because things were pulled out from under me all of a sudden. I know, I'm still very privileged to have these events and not something else like abuse or homeless. I get that. In perspective though, my world has always included her... it would be completely new if she was gone.

On my birthday, Michael was everything I needed him to be. He picked me up and I chatted with his bro for a while but once he had left, Michael was too distracted with me around to complete anymore work. We messed around then went out to Indian food. On the way he took me to an overlook to see the ocean and explain a bit about the waves. We almost got a view of the sunset. It was like a small tour of the city and I got to watch him drive as we got gas n'such. We parked and instead of eating right away we went down to the beach. It was a spur of the moment thing. He talked to this girl that was there and I went to the water. It... is a weakness of mine. I got a rush. My heart gets extra fluttery but I don't think he knew that, or what he could do to me by bringing me there. He skipped stones while I played with the water at my ankles. We chatted so much over the trip. It was easy to talk to each other. As we were leaving I mentioned how much I loved being at the beach and he asked if I had ever been on a date at one. I hadn't. He was surprised and PUSHED me against the wall in a domineering kiss. A beach kiss. My first beach kiss.

I've been to the beach and had a romantic-ish time with someone, but it was between friends. He picked me up and threw me into the water. Gary was my California Dreamboat crush at the time. He wasn't into me. I was another bro. In San Fran I've been in the water during a full moon and warmed myself in the heat of another's embrace, but he was the ******** buddy of my roommate at the time. I got in trouble for that one. I wasn't into him and I was still a virgin so I knew jack s**t. On our anniversary, Jon took a long detour in Napa to take me to a beach. It was windy as ******** and chilly but we went on a walk along the beach. It was really relaxing and fun in that calming sort of way. It was romantic in that he was happy to see me in my childish glee, running around, but it didn't bring us closer in my eyes. It was like a gesture to me, a present if you will. I was alone there and he was just watching me.

I digress, after the beach we cleaned off our feet as best we could before heading into the restaurant, which was pretty good. After we stopped at a liquor store and got cranberry + amaretto for a good time. We got back and did the sexy nurse routine, but he was confused with how to operate the toy and I wasn't very convincing with the roleplaying. He was sweet about it and still very turned on. We watched X-Men while fooling around off and on. Eventually we went to bed together and I got to wake up to him working at his desk. It was... blissful. He makes it all feel so easy and natural.

He says crap he doesn't meant though and that makes me mad. He told me I was his only girl and I told him to correct that statement to one of his bitches or something like that. I would rather he hurt me than make me fall for him again. I've been through that once and if I end up completing his playlist, I'll regret it. I did make a mixtape for Hooking up with him. That one is fun. I didn't finish it all the way. It's like four songs short or sumthin'.

I don't know if I would sleep with him against if he came to visit back home. I'm still upset right now that he doesn't ever talk to me. Jacob used to talk to me all the time before the birthday thing. Michael doesn't talk, like at all... and I get that some people are like that. I mean, Dev is ******** like that. They say they are busy and that's the reason why... but really it's that they don't think of you all the time. That's the ******** truth and there's shades of grey in that. I don't expect my friends to ******** think of me all the time, because I don't think of them at all times either. What I do want is updates. I want updates without having to ask every time. I want near the end of the month or in the middle if you're in the mood. I want ******** updates. I give long speals and I'm sick of being the one that usually starts it. I totally say that now and I'll cave tomorrow. *groan. I'm weak like that. I'm a big softie for my pals.