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Pouring my heart out...

I'm so frustrated. I'm not supposed to love him. Like him. Be infatuated with him. Whatever verb you want to use. The bottom line is that I'm not supposed to be attracted to him in any way at all. I'm not. Why? It's dangerous. It's looked down upon by society. And worst of all, in addition to baiting trouble, it's a taboo.

You know. Something forbidden. The government looks down on it. Most of my friends look down on it - I only know of three who don't. My parents look down on it. His parents probably look down on it. He probably looks down on it, for goodness' sake! As if that weren't enough, society looks down on it.

Even if I got around that problem, guess what? He has a girlfriend. I think they're going steady. Actually, they probably are. I can't say I know much about the relationship, since I know nothing but her name and have only heard him say, "We'll see what happens" when one of my friends questioned how far along they were in a relationship. The point is, they're probably now going to break up any time soon... if at all. If they somehow did, he's the honorable, moral kind of a guy that's nearly impossibly hard to find in society these days. He wouldn't want to date for a while after that. He'd also be emotionally injured, perhaps to an extent that he'd abstain from dating a year or two. For him, it's not impossible. This is an amazing, unique guy we're talking about. He's not ordinary in the slightest.

What's the problem with waiting? First of all, I've been avoiding him as much as possible. We've stopped speaking. We'd probably lose contact by then. In addition, it's not fair to his girlfriend, who I don't feel any animosity towards. Really - pining after someone who'll never be yours? It's immature. It'd seem cruel to them both. It sounds obsessive.

Sure, he's taken. In the off chance that they finally separate, I have a chance, right? Wrong. Not for at least another four years. Why? The problem is in the age gap. This man is ten and a half years older than me.

Many of you reading this probably recoiled at that last line, believing it's "sick," and most likely wish to flame me. Stop right there.

I don't know how in the nine rings of hell, or earth, or purgatory, or heaven - that is, in each and every single world of being in Dante Alighieri's Divine Comedy - I came to have this infatuation. Oh, I know the why. I don't know the how, if that made any sense. I sure didn't choose to develop this godforsaken, crazy, ridiculous crush.

Why am I infatuated with him? It all started back on September 15th, 2005 - over eight months ago. That's when I saw him for the first time. It may sound sappy, or cheesy, whichever word you like, but his smile was what first attracted me to him. His smile... have you ever seen a smile that just seemed to immediately brighten up your day and leave you in a dreamy euphoria for several hours until you got home? If so, that's what it was like. No, it wasn't the whole cliche "breathtaking" thing... it was more like a briefly elevated heart rate, then a soothing dream for hours after.

That's one physical quality. Moving on to others... he's always cheerful and energetic. Well, not literally always, but as long as he's had some sleep and it isn't some ungodly early hour like 6:45 or 7 AM, that's how he is. He also cracks jokes. They're actually funny and make you laugh... he's got a natural sense of humor. Simply put, he's a joy to be around. Think about it yourself - wouldn't you be attracted to someone who could make you smile, and laugh, and who smiled himself? Wouldn't you be attracted to someone whose voice you found soothing, that you could listen to for hours on end no matter what the topic? Wouldn't you be attracted to someone if they made you feel special?

In a word, he's charismatic. I fing his personality almost magnetic - face it, he's always charming, civilized, friendly, entertaining... I don't know about you, reader, but I find all of those qualities appealing.

Now, let's get something straight, especially with the mention of dating earlier - yes, I would like to be in a relationship with him, to date him. No, not right now. I'd wait as much as ten years, if there was hope. Yes, I did discuss that there was a very extremely small chance that he would break off his current relationship. Supposing we'd overcome the age barriers with time, and supposing we still managed to keep in touch (though I never do so - if I stop seeing constantly, I lose them, and there is only one exception to this rule), there would still be one last problem. He does not see me in any such "casual" light. Our relationship is strictly professional, teacher to student, student to teacher... even if my half of the relationship doesn't necessarily seem so.

I've gone off on a tangent again. With how I've been talking about him so far, it might seem that I sexually desire him, and that conclusion could, in your eyes, be backed by the mention of dating and a relationship. That's something I have to disprove: I am attracted to him, but I refuse to entertain myself with sexual situations concerning him. In actually, I don't see him in a sexual light. It's not "teenage hormones," because I'm not craving for sex - it's his companionship I'd like.

Writing a rant like this helps, but just a little. This is probably the fourth rant I've written since January, the last time I exchanged words with him...

I've received suggestions to see him in a way that I greatly dislike or even abhor, but it's just not working. I've grown dangerously infatuated, perhaps even obsessed, with this man... up to the point that I just can't view him or any aspect of his being as displeasing.

He told us that he was once a smoker. He claimed it was the end of his senior year at this high school, in the month of June... the rest of his friends were smoking, and then, in his words, "...and I was just standing around, so... you know..." He ended up smoking for four years, until the age of twenty-two, when he finally quit. (I wonder why he quit in the first place. Of course I don't see it as a bad thing, since he's saved years of his life by stopping, but I would like to know what his motivation was. I don't believe I could ever be that motivated. He claimed that he stopped because of college, but I do believe he graduated at the age of twenty-three... perhaps he took a year's break, or waited a year before starting? Perhaps he just took a year's worth of extra courses, or dispersed his classes over a greater period of time. I'm a bit doubtful that college was the only thing... maybe his new friends motivated him. Maybe that's when he met his girlfriend. I don't know, and I don't think I ever will.)

Once again, I went off on a tangent. I just have so much to say... Even if I saw him as a smoker, a nicotine addict, I wouldn't turn away. I can't begin to fathom how he would act as a drug (crack, etc.) addict... in that case, I would probably do my best to help him in any way I could, rather than recoil. What if he was a drinker? As afore-mentioned, I would try to reach out. Would I feel insulted or ruffled if I saw him drunk? Probably not. After all, I heard tales of the Junior Banquet of 2005... several of the male teachers got a little drunk, him included. I've grown to accept the idea.

Did I mention that he is an alum of my high school? It really doesn't help one when they have images of past students and then yearbooks all on top of that... Memories of his fourteen year old self are in the school, memories of his fifteen year old self, memories of him all the way up until the age of eighteen. In addition to all of those, the influences of his current twenty-six year old self can be found all over the building... a forensics poster here, a forensics newscast there, the science office, his participation in THHS SING! since he returned...

(Just a side note - I've noticed that of all my teachers, the only ones I found really interesting were my science/bio/chem teachers and my English teachers, but of the two subjects I only care for the former.)

Let's return to when I last spoke to him. I'm sure I have the exact date somewhere... Oh, it was the 24th of January. I thought so...

January 24th was HIV/AIDS day at my school. We attended school, but it was almost like we had half of the day off, since we had upperclassmen come to teach us about HIV/AIDS all morning and then had a mini-assembly about HIV/AIDS after that. It was during the assembly... We were in the chemistry lecture room, two or three different classes, a mix of freshmen and sophomores. He was there. Oh, that must've been embarassing... (I'll leave the event unstated, but if you're a guy and you wear jeans or other pants with zippers, it's probably happened to you at least once.) We just exchanged a few words about what could cause HIV/AIDS... nothing special, a normal student/teacher thing.

The next few days, I didn't have school because it was regents week (I live in the state of New York). The next time I saw him was Saturday the 28th... it was the second or third night of SING! 2006. I saw him briefly, but we didn't even make eye contact...

Then Sunday the 29th was my 15th birthday, when I finally managed to temporarily distract my mind. Tuesday the 31st I returned to school, to find out that, in fact, luck was not on my side and the 25% chance of having him as a teacher for the second term went to other people. I was extremely frustrated and couldn't concentrate for an entire week after that. I got my schedule changed, but still no luck.

I still see him. Occasionally, we pass each other in the halls, or I glance into the biology room as I leave math and Spanish. We regard each other almost coldly for less than a second, making momentary eye contact, then both turn around and return to what we had been doing... as if nothing happened.

Sometimes I seem to get a heartache when I think about him...

Next year, I might have him for chemistry. In junior year, I have a 50% chance of getting him for science research. If I drop Latin senior year, I can take forensics...

I don't know if it's good or bad that I'll continue seeing him like this thoughout my high school years.

I wish this infatuation would die, but I have doubts. My previous crushes have all lasted less than three months...

...but eight months, as is the case with this infatuation, is a damn long time.