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Sometimes I feel like it isn't summer at all. I feel locked in on a path that is taking me away from things that I love. I want to widen this path to keep them alive but winds steer me back to the narrow. Don't say that it means things aren't right because it isn't what you're thinking. It isn't that my activities are looked down on or even restricted by anyone else. The problem is there isn't enough time. I'm not managing my time well enough. I have all this family stuff I want to do then there's taking care of myself and nurturing this new relationship as well as keeping some of my interests alive. Roleplaying takes SO much more of me that what I have set up right now. I love that about roleplaying. It consumes me and makes me feel more complete, but it's temporary. It eventually gives me an ache.

I am so grateful to my hobby because of these AMAZING people that I have met and befriended. Even though I'm somewhat of a recluse and I think of myself as pretty boring in comparison, they love me and pursued that relationship with me. I am SO GRATEFUL. I don't want to lose them by choosing to take this hiatus I have fallen into. I know they won't forget me but I'm scared they will not trust me again or worse, that they would distance themselves from me even when I come back. I don't want to lose their friendship or that connection we have now. I want to work to keep it strong. I just, I really like them. Lol. I totally talk about them to people in my real life when I reference things or want to brag. Lol. I think of them as real friends, not just online buddies. That's a little sad though, right? I'm a little hopeless and a little naive.

When I attempt to create or draw up a roleplay plan, I often get stuck on the issue of creating a world that is concrete enough that they can get into it but not so concrete that they have to do too much work. It sounds a little silly to get hung up about that but I love to work out all the little details because to me it is the little details that make the world so interesting. I get more drawn in to things if it is detailed but not limiting. I also like to come up with stuff like that. I mean, I learn all sorts of new things. For my story Limboland, I researched angels and demons. I got to look up classic literature on that subject and I looked into a couple different religions so that it wasn't all from one cultural background.

Even though I said that I wasn't mad about not going to the state fair tonight, I am hurt. I am not upset with him. I am frustrated and disappointed in myself for getting my hopes up. Before his "grand gesture" I talked myself down because I knew it would not be something that I would fall for but this time, I let my heart run wild. I ... imagined so many happy things that my heart wants to shatter. I'm just to frustrated that I even try anymore for these happy little things. My ******** romantic dreams will never come true if I have any part in them. If I touch this camping thing, it will fall apart. I'm all to blame. I just hate that I want things so badly and don't get them. That's life I suppose. Those things I really want in life dance around me, even if I make my best plans for them. It has nothing to do with effort. These things either come or don't. It's more of a waiting game than anything, which I ******** hate. I feel like I can pick up what other people much better than they can discover what I want. I leave behind all kinds of clues but people are dumb. People are dumb dumb dumb. Young and stung.